Grandmother Fears Parents’ Strict Rules are Hurting Their Relationship
Welcome to Grand Advice, where we answer questions from real grandparents. Today’s answer comes from Cynthia G. Kane, Founder, of It's Their Turn: Wisdom for Grandparents.
Our daughter and her husband have very strict rules. We can’t take our 2-year-old grandson for a walk in the stroller without a parent accompanying us, can’t take him to see the ducks in the neighborhood pond even if holding him, can’t let him practice climbing on the stairs even if we are carefully standing behind him. The frustrating thing is that these are all things they do with him, but don’t allow us to do. It’s becoming a real problem in our relationship. Any advice?
Thanks for reaching out to Grand Advice. Your story is familiar, as we hear other grandparents who have experienced similar situations with parental rules and boundaries involving grandchildren. It sounds like you have done all you can think of to help the situation, but it’s persisting.
What is really behind these strict rules and boundaries that so many parents have for their young children?
Let’s think this through together:
The influence of the internet and social media has crept into family life in ways that is both helpful and problematic. Many answers to parents’ questions are readily available online, and this can aid problem-solving when parents face a common concern. On the other hand, every fear that a parent has ever dreamed of is also spelled out in detail online, and often a simplistic, non-negotiable solution is provided.
New parents today have a much larger network of other parents to poll when wondering about how to approach an issue with their children. Decades ago, one might ask a best friend or a pediatrician about some aspect of childrearing, whereas now there is a mountain of advice and strong opinions about everything from hundreds of other parents online. This can be overwhelming for new parents who want desperately to do the right thing for their child.
As a result, many young parents today are very anxious and fearful. They may be convinced that to keep their children safe and healthy, they must establish strict guidelines that all of the adults in their lives must follow. Not only does this apply to grandparents, but the philosophy also affects babysitters, daycare providers, teachers, coaches; anyone who has close contact with their children.
For grandparents, these ways of thinking about childrearing can often be unexpected and extremely difficult to understand. It can feel like your grandchild’s parents don’t trust you or value your experience. Many new parents are worried about the grandparents’ physical fitness to be alone with grandchildren and keep them safe from injury.
One of the toughest truths for grandparents to swallow is that your adult children are the ones to make every decision about your grandchild’s life. Sometimes you’ll be fine with that, because something will resonate with your lived experience and you’ll agree happily that this is a good thing for your grandchild. You’ll be pleased that the parents always use seatbelts, or cut grapes in half before serving, or have a smoke detector in the baby’s room.
At other times you may feel that something isn’t a good idea for a little one, or that you know a better way that would work. You may have a rocking technique that always soothed your infant, or feel that rice cereal in the bottle helps a baby sleep through the night or believe that toddlers should be allowed to explore their environment with fewer restrictions. It can really sting if your adult child seems to believe that your ideas and contributions could be harmful or even dangerous to your grandchild.
New parents have different plans for childrearing today, much of which is based on expert research. For grandparents, being open to new this new research and the updated recommendations for infants and toddlers is important. Taking these recommendations from the parents in a non-personalized way is essential. Your children are not criticizing how you would or did do things, but they do have their own ideas for what’s best for their child.
When young parents behave in what seems like a very overbearing or controlling way around grandparents, it can signal that they are not entirely sure that they can trust the grandparents to do things their way.
Steps that you can take right now:
If you have not already done so, sign up for an Infant/Child First Aid course in your area or online. Learn how to perform CPR and make sure you have programmed emergency numbers into your phone such as pediatrician, Fire Dept, etc. This demonstrates to your children that you know what to do in a crisis if you are alone with your grandchild.
Find a quiet time that works for everyone and talk about your grandson. Ask the parents about what is most important to them, and try not to debate or disagree with what you hear. Ask about what worries they have when your grandson is alone with you. Tell them that you hope they will be honest with you about what their concerns are. State that you are committed to finding ways to reduce those fears and build trust with them. If everyone is willing, try this tool from Zero To Three, which allows parents and grandparents to share thoughts about childcare a neutral way.
Comment honestly on one or two things that you have seen the parents do that you find really positive for your grandson. Let them know that you think they are terrific parents, who are raising a wonderful child and that you admire how they are approaching parenthood. You may not be aware of how much they want your approval.
Reach out to other grandparents and share your experiences. Explore grandparent groups in your area or online. It can be very reassuring to share what is going on in your family with others grandparents who have similarly-aged grandchildren. It may make you feel much better about what you are going through, and you will no doubt learn from others.
Your 2-year-old grandson will grow up quickly and many of the parental concerns that you have mentioned will fade away, only to be replaced by a new set of worries. It seems that right now the parents are quite concerned about his physical safety.
Your children are not likely to change their approach to how they want to raise their child. Do all that you can to avoid comments that convey your frustration or dismay about the state of things right now. If you can continue to act in ways that demonstrate respect, understanding, and acceptance of the parental rules and boundaries, your adult children will become more and more convinced that you can be trusted, and you will be building family harmony.
Grandparents who embrace the role of the wise elder while also being a lifelong learner, establish a role in their family that is both valuable and unforgettable. You can do this.
Do you have a question about grandparenting? Submit it here.
Cynthia G. Kane is a board-certified, licensed genetic counselor with 25 years of clinical experience. A grandmother, Cynthia has a certificate in Grandfamily Leadership and is the founder of It’s Their Turn, which provides counseling, support, and education for grandparents. Cynthia can be reached at cynthia@itstheirturn.com