Dealing With an Upset Son- or Daughter-in-Law: Tips for Grandparents

Doreen was babysitting her four-year-old granddaughter on a beautiful summer day. They were working in the garden when Judy’s son-in-law, Ryan arrived to pick up his daughter. He was horrified to see his child crouched in the dirt in her bare feet, stabbing at the earth with a spade. He couldn’t help losing his temper: had Judy not realize the child could have hacked off a toe? Or picked up a parasitic disease from being barefoot in the soil? He was still upset with her a week later, when the family gathered for a birthday party.

It’s a tale as old as time: trouble with the in-laws. Perhaps, like Doreen, you’ve had an outright disagreement with your son-in-law over something you did while you were watching the grandkids. Maybe your daughter-in-law is giving you the cold shoulder, and you aren’t sure why. Grandparents often find themselves dealing with an upset son- or daughter-in-law. It’s not easy, especially if you feel as if they are in the wrong.

It’s not easy, but it’s tremendously important to maintain a good relationship with your adult child’s spouse. We’ve written about the reasons why before, focusing on daughters-in-law, but the principles are the same for sons-in-law, too. A difficult relationship with an in-law makes family gatherings stressful. It makes it harder to enjoy time with your grandchildren. It may even negatively impact your relationship with your own child.

It’s important that you make the effort to resolve any conflict. Don’t wait for them to do it. Make the first move.

Listen first, resolve second

If your son or daughter-in-law is upset with you, the first thing you need to do is to find out why. Find a time when you can talk directly with them. Don’t use your own child as a go-between, though it’s okay to ask them to help set up a conversation. Then open the conversation by letting them know your goal for the talk: to find out why they are upset and find a way through.

Ask them to explain what they are feeling and why. Listen carefully, without letting your brain start coming up with defenses. When they are finished, summarize what they’ve said back to them. Watch your body language to make sure it’s not conveying defensiveness or disbelief. Ask them if you understood them right, then invite them to tell you more.

After they’ve had a chance to share what they are upset about, you can respond. First, check yourself to make sure you can respond without:

• dismissing what they said as unimportant or untrue.

• focusing on defending yourself.

• escalating the situation by pointing out the things they’ve done to hurt you.

If any of these are your first reaction, you need to pause.

Say to them, “You’ve given me a lot to think about. I’d like to keep this conversation going, but I need a little time to think about what you told me. Can we talk again in a few days?” Then take some time to process it. Talk to a friend, your spouse, or a therapist so you have a chance to express your emotions. Don’t unload on your adult child, who needs to be an ally for their partner.

After you’ve had some time to think about it, whether that’s a minute or a week, let them know you want to find a way forward. Ask what they feel would resolve this particular problem, and tell them you want to work together towards a solution. It’s okay to share your own feelings, as long as you can do it without invalidating theirs.

After that family birthday party, Doreen asked Ryan if they could talk one evening that week. They agreed to meet after dinner one night. Of course, Doreen knew what Ryan was upset about, so she didn’t have to wonder about that. She felt he was overreacting about something that had little true risk of harm, but she didn’t tell him that. Instead, she asked him to share what he felt when he came to pick his daughter up. She let him express all of his anger and his worries. She repeated back what he said, validating that she had been listening. She then apologized for upsetting him, assured him that her granddaughter’s safety was of utmost importance to her, and asked him what would make him comfortable with letting her continue to babysit.

Nurture the relationship with your son- or daughter-in-law

Sometimes the reason that a son-in-law seems distant or a daughter-in-law seems uncomfortable around you is simple: they don’t feel they know you very well. It important for grandparents to establish an independent relationship with their adult children’s partners. Make the effort to get to know them, respect the differences that they bring to your family, and look for common ground. Read The Power of a Positive Relationship with Your Daughter-in-Law for ways to embrace and nurture that relationship.

Ideally, you’ve taken time to establish a respectful, appreciative relationship with them before the grandchildren arrive. But even if you are starting late, it is well worth your time to prioritize that relationship now.

If you’ve had a larger falling out, you may need to repair the relationship after you’ve determined the reason for the rift. We have a list of books to help improve relationships in this blog post, and be sure to visit our Amazon shop for more titles. While books may be helpful, you may also need to find a neutral third-party mediator.

Why it’s so important to have a good relationship with your son- or daughter-in-law

It can be hard work to create a good relationship with someone who is upset with you. But there are good reasons to resolve any conflict with your daughter-in-law or son-in-law. At the top of the list is your grandchild. They love their parents, and will sense any discord among the adults in their life. No matter what the cause of the upset is, a young child will only know that someone is upsetting their mom or dad. If the conflict continues, it will make it much harder for you to have a close relationship with your grandchild.

Beyond that, you have the chance to model healthy conflict resolution. Part of being a family elder is setting a good example for younger generations. When you take steps to resolve conflict instead of letting it simmer, you are showing your children and grandchildren what a healthy relationship should look like. Besides, repairing those relationships now will prevent further family divisions.

Judy and Ryan were able to work past the incident in the garden. In the end, it brought them closer to know that they could talk honestly to one another. Resolving their conflict made them recognize that their differences were less important than what they had in common: sharing a deep love for the same little girl.

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