Grandparenting with Grace: Teaching Values While Respecting Religious Boundaries
One night at the dinner table, Danielle was taken by surprise when her four-year-old son insisted they couldn’t eat until they said “thank you” to God for the food. She didn’t have to wonder where he’d picked that up: her very religious parents watched him two days a week while she worked. Danielle and her husband weren’t raising their son with the same attitude towards religion that her parents held, and she wasn’t surprised that her parents were trying to impress their beliefs on her son.
Danielle’s not alone. 58% of the people we polled say that parents and grandparents aren’t on the same page when it comes to religion. Disagreements over religion can cause arguments, rifts and even estrangement. It’s crucial to be able to talk about it, and to find a way forward for the sake of family harmony.
For many grandparents, their faith is one of the most important things in their lives. Those who actively participate in organized religion find comfort in the structure and companionship of their faith community. They often want badly to help their children and grandchildren become part of the same community and the moral foundation it provides.
But what if parents don’t want that for themselves or their children? What should a grandparent do if they feel parents are failing their child by not providing a religious foundation? How can grandparents pass along their values if parents don’t let them share their faith?
Before we address the grandparents, a note for parents. Remember that your children won’t be harmed just by being exposed to other ideas. Your parents’ religion is part of their culture, and there is nothing wrong with them wanting to share that culture with your children. Being exposed to cultural differences will make your children more tolerant and accepting when they are older. Teaching them to respect that some people believe different things than you do is important. Teaching them that you can still love people who don’t believe the same things you do is even more important. If you are struggling with grandparents who are trying to impose their beliefs on your kids, I encourage you to read the advice to parents in the answer from Postliterate on this Reddit thread.
And now for the grandparents who want to pass on their religious beliefs.
As mentioned above, the potential for conflict over religion is high. It’s crucial that you don’t impose your beliefs on your grandchildren without their parents’ consent. That doesn’t mean you can’t share your values with them, but it does mean that you need to respect parents’ wishes about how and when you do.
Talking to your grandchild’s parents about religion
Like any important issue, the best strategy is to have an open discussion well ahead of any potential conflicts. Read this post on having difficult discussions for tips on how to approach the conversation.
Then talk to your grandchild’s parents about why your religion is important to you. Tell them why you’d like to share your faith with your grandchild. Ask them to listen to how you would like to pass on that faith. Maybe it’s teaching them the foundational prayers, taking them to religious services, or buying them a book of children’s Bible stories. After clearly explaining what your hopes are, tell them that you respect their authority over their children and won’t do anything without their blessing.
It’s not a grandparent’s place to decide how a child is raised, whether that’s a decision about bedtime or bar mitzvah. While the stakes for bar mitzvah may seems higher than bedtime to you, parents may feel differently. You can respectfully communicate your concerns, but ultimately you must respect parents’ choices.
Take time to listen to parents’ concerns and reasoning. They are sure to have reasons for their decisions, and knowing what they are can make it easier to accept their choices. As one grandmother shared, “I respect their choices and their right to make them. But also - I genuinely see the merits in their choices so that makes it easier to be supportive.” Whether you see the merit in their choices or not, however, parents have the final say.
How to share your values without sharing your religion
This does not mean you can’t share your values, however. It’s entirely possible to share your values without imposing your beliefs. You don't need to share stories from the Old Testament to help your grandchildren learn compassion and honesty. You don’t need to take your grandchildren to religious services to model perseverance and respect. You don’t need to teach them to pray to pass along gratitude and humility. Your grandchildren’s moral foundation is built by the examples they see being lived out by the people in their lives, not by the examples in ancient texts or the lessons taught in religion classes.
Beyond establishing with parents what they are comfortable with you sharing, take time to find out what they’d like you to do when their child asks questions about your faith. How would they prefer that you explain the crucifix on your wall or the mezuzah on your doorpost if your grandchild is curious about it? Being up front about potential challenges will make those challenges easier to handle if they happen. The key is to find common ground, working together to compromise where possible.
Grandparents are important
Your presence in your grandchild’s life is important. It’s worth making compromises to be part of it, even over things that are incredibly important to you. Be there for your grandkids, so that they don’t someday wonder why you chose your religion over them. Instead of focusing on what you can’t pass on to your grandchildren, focus on what you can share. Share family history, traditions, and new adventures. Creating connection through shared experiences will strengthen your family.
It can be confusing or disappointing when our adult child doesn’t follow the path we hope they will. As parents of adult children, celebrating their independence means relinquishing control. This is especially true when grandchildren are involved. It’s not our job to make decisions about how they are raised, even when it’s something we feel strongly about. Our job is to respect parents’ boundaries and love those grandchildren as much as we can.
If you aren’t sure how to have these conversations with new parents, check out Partnering with Parents. It helps you discuss some of the most important topics as you become grandparents. Read more about it here.