Step-Grandparents: Navigating Dynamics with Step-Grandchildren
What is a step-grandparent? Technically, it’s a grandparent related by marriage but not by blood. You can become a step-grandparent in many ways. You might marry late in life to someone who has grandchildren, or raise step-children who go on to have kids. Or you might have a child who marries someone with children. In all these cases, you are considered a step-grandparent.
With the exception of raising step-children who go on to have children, becoming a step-grandparent usually means that you are a relative newcomer in a child’s life. Family dynamics are complicated, and when a child is involved, it’s crucial to tread carefully as you enter your new role.
Expectations for Step-Grandparents
What do you expect your role to look like? How involved to you expect to be? Take time to assess how you feel about your new role, and then recognize that those expectations may not match the reality of the family situation. Once you’ve determined what you want your role to look like, accept that it will take time and effort to get there.
When you join the family will likely affect how involved you can be right off the bat. We looked at several family scenarios when one of our readers asked Grand Advice whether step-grandparents are really grandparents. Parents may also be reluctant to trust someone that has moved into new relationship with one of their own parents. Children may already have several grandparents, and be wary of new adults.
Give your new family members time to get to know you, and find ways to earn their trust and show you are there for the long-haul. Your role will naturally evolve over time if you show up consistently and don’t try to rush things.
Like any other grandparent, you can be a source of love and support for a child. To do that, though, you need to be a source of support and friendship for their parents.
Partnering with Parents
Just like biological grandparents, step-grandparents need to establish a strong relationship with parents if they want to be a part of their grandchild’s life. Have an open, honest conversation with parents about their expectations for your role. Make sure you are on the same page about rules, responsibilities, and boundaries. Show that you want to provide support without overstepping. Foster a strong relationship by showing you respect their parenting. Only after parents are comfortable with you will you be able to start a relationship with their kids.
If you want to be active in your step-grandchildren’s life, assure parents you are there for the long haul. Emma, whose children have several step-grandparents, told her mother bluntly: “My kids adore your new husband, and if you ever divorce him, I won’t let you cut him out of their lives.” She told him the same thing: don’t hurt my kids by leaving them one day.
Building Bonds with Step-Grandkids
Follow the child's lead on forming a relationship, and let it develop over time. Talk to them about what name they feel comfortable calling you. Don't insist on being called Grandma, no matter how much you've always wanted that title. Names for step-grandparents aren’t always traditional grandparent nicknames, and parents may also have opinions on what their child calls you.
Respect their time and relationships with their other grandparents. Children have an unlimited capacity for love, and being one of many people that they can count on is a privilege. As time goes on, you can create your own special traditions and bonding activities. If you need ideas, check out Connection Sparks in our shop.
Step-Grandchildren vs. Biological Grandchildren
Make sure you don’t treat step-grandchildren differently, especially if they are in the same household. Children (and their parents) notice that their siblings or cousins are getting better gifts or more time. If you can’t afford to treat your step-grandchildren as well as you treat your grandchildren, the best answer is to cut back on what you do for your grandchildren.
Blending Families is a Process, not a Procedure
There is no simple recipe for blending families. It takes time, flexibility, and communication. Focus on areas you can control: how you show up, how you communicate, and how you react. Blended families, with their many interwoven branches, bring together many personalities and perspectives. Being part of such a family may require extra effort on your part to get along with everyone. If you’ve had trouble with healthy family relationships in the past, learn more about how to heal those patterns. For some great books on improving relationships, visit our Amazon Shop.
As a step-grandparent, you can be a source of love and wisdom for your step-grandchild. The key is to take it slow and embrace your relationships with the whole family, not just the step-grandchild. Doing that will set an example for everyone of what healthy a family dynamic can look like—and make being a step-grandparent a rewarding chapter in your life.