Pregnant Daughter-in-Law? Here Are 3 Messages She Needs to Hear
If your son and daughter-in-law are expecting their first baby, you may be wondering if you’ll be able to have a close relationship with your grandchild. Both studies and popular wisdom tell us that the maternal grandparents enjoy a closer bond with their grandchildren. There are many theories for why paternal grandparents aren’t usually as close to their grandkids, from jealousy to evolution. However, this much is crystal clear: The main thing that determines the quality of the relationship with your grandchildren will always be the effort you put into it. And that effort should start before the baby is even born, with your daughter-in-law.
The quality of the relationship with your daughter-in-law sets the tone for your experience as a grandparent. We’ve written about it before in The Power of a Positive Relationship with Your Daughter-in-Law. Unfortunately, it’s not always an easy relationship, especially for grandmothers. It’s a relationship worth working on, though, and now is the time to start.
Whether you are close to your daughter-in-law or not, sending her a message before the baby comes will set the stage for better communication in the years to come. It can be a letter, an email, or an in-person conversation. Text messages and phone calls are also options, though they should be second choices. Whatever method you use, here are three things you should say.
I want to support you as a parent
No matter how excited you are about being a grandparent, new parents don’t need presents and someone to hold the baby. They need people who will be a part of their village and truly support them. Your daughter-in-law may need to hear this directly from you. Try saying this:
“I want to be a part of your support team; what can I do to help you? I want to know what your boundaries are, and I want you to let me know when I can do better. I know this is your baby, not just my grandchild.”
When grandparents don’t adopt this attitude, it makes a close relationship with your grandchild far less likely. Parents find themselves continually struggling with grandparents who don’t respect their boundaries. Too often, parents end up limiting contact with these grandparents.
I want to learn what’s changed.
You may have successfully raised a child (or six!), but that doesn’t make you an expert on raising a baby today. Just as you did some things differently than your parents did, today’s parents have new ideas about how they want to raise their child. Try saying this:
“I had babies a long time ago. I am ready to learn what’s new! Can you share any sources for up-to-date information for me to learn from?”
Thanks to advances in research and technology, parents today really do know more than we did. Grandparents who are reluctant to learn what’s new are more than just annoying. Parents will find it hard to trust them, and with good cause: not adhering to modern practices can put a baby at risk. Think of it this way: say you need surgery. Who would you trust more: a doctor who’s been practicing for 30 years but still uses an outdated method, or one with less experience who’s well trained in the latest technique that’s been proven to have better outcome?
I want to be the best grandparent I can be
Grandparents are important in a child’s life. Children who have a close relationship with a grandparent have better mental health throughout their lives. Sharing your dreams about what sort of grandparent you’d like to be will help you achieve that close relationship. Try saying:
“I’d love to have a conversation about my role as a grandparent. We may have different expectations, and sharing our thoughts will help me be the best grandparent I can be to your baby.”
Too often, grandparents focus on their experience as a grandparent instead of how their role fits into the larger family. Being the “fun grandma” won’t guarantee you a close relationship with your grandchild if your ideas of fun go against the parents’ values. Sharing what’s important to each of you will allow you to avoid disappointment if your expectations aren’t met.
Why “A Message to My Pregnant Daughter-In-Law” is So Powerful
When you write a letter to your daughter-in-law when she’s expecting her first child, you are setting the stage for a long, happy experience as a grandparent. She’ll know she can count on you for the kind of support she needs, when she needs it. She’ll be able to trust you have the information you need to keep your grandchild safe and healthy. What’s more, she’ll understand you better. She’ll know what being a grandparent means to you, and will be able to support you as well. The result will be a closer, more rewarding relationship with your pregnant daughter-in-law—and eventually, with your grandchild.
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