Navigating Multiple Families’ Rules
Welcome to Grand Advice, where we answer questions from real grandparents. Today’s answer comes from Cynthia Kane, Founder, of It's Their Turn: Wisdom for Grandparents.
“We've got 7 grandchildren from three different families. The parents have all got different rules for the kids, and we want to respect their parenting. But how do we navigate it when we have all the kids together, and the rules are so different? One family allows their kids to graze all day, one insists on children and adults sitting down to dinner together and staying at the table until everyone is done, one says no sugar, etc.” ~Gigi Anne
How wonderful that Life has brought you seven grandchildren! That alone is cause for celebration. But I’ll bet that it is the holiday and vacation celebration times that bring on your grandxiety as those are the most likely times when everyone is together at your place. Keeping track of individual family rules and regulations when the whole gang is all together sounds pretty overwhelming.
Let’s think this through together:
To begin, I will share that I am not a supporter of the adage Grandma’s House, Grandma’s Rules. This outdated approach to grandchildren’s visits has its roots in the days when the older generation held sway over family life, and that was just the way it was.
What is behind this approach?
Many grandparents have lived their whole lives making the rules and regulations for how things are done in their homes, and some are not remotely interested in shifting when grandchildren are around. The ability for older people to be flexible in their daily routines seems to decrease year by year.
Other grands simply want to indulge their grandchild’s every desire for sweets, gifts, screen time, late bedtimes, etc. Those grandparents may have an underlying feeling that their grandchildren won’t want to spend time with them unless they indulge them at every turn.
The results of the Grandma’s House, Grandma’s Rules methodology can be disastrous. Home routines and expectations are disrupted, children are confused and not sure if they should keep secrets from their parents, and parents and grandparents find themselves having conflicts that usually make grandchildren feel anxious and worried about the next visit to Grandma’s.
How, then, should a grandparent approach their own House Rules?
It’s hard enough to work through these decisions with one set of grandchildren and their parents, much less three different families with their own rules. No doubt, the young parents themselves have some experience with managing this dilemma if the cousins visit each other’s homes when you are not there.
As a first step, open up a line of communication that allows everyone in the family to feel heard and respected. Before the next family gathering, schedule a time to connect with each set of parents and talk about expectations. These meetings could be in person or by phone, or even via a scheduled Zoom meeting in the evening when kids are all in bed. Listen carefully and try not to judge what you hear.
Ask the parents to weigh in:
What concerns do you have about your children’s visits to our home when all the cousins, aunts, and uncles are also visiting?
What rules do you have for your children that I should know are non-negotiable?
Do you have any flexibility for times when your family’s rules conflict greatly with those of others who are visiting?
Have you had a chance to talk to the children about the fact that things at other people’s homes may be different from what they experience at their own home?
What is your method for handling meltdowns, when your child is very distraught or upset about a significant change in rules or activities?
Can you think of ways for me to establish some rituals or routines that are acceptable to you that I can begin to develop for each large family gathering?
The goal of these conversations with your grandchildren’s parents is to get a clear picture of what is most important to them right now. Let’s face it, families evolve, children grow up, and over time, rules progress to be age-appropriate.
When children are very small, their parents are just learning their role. Young moms and dads have so much input and advice about how to be a good parent, and are inundated with recommendations for things they must always do or never do. Social media, parenting apps, and pediatrician’s instructions all influence what kind of parents they think they should be, and there can be a strong concern that if they fall short of any single recommendation, their kids will suffer. It’s useful to take a moment to think about what the parents’ goals are for their family.
Specifically to your examples:
The parents of the children who can graze all day might recognize that their children seem to fall apart when they are hungry, and a little bit of food all day keeps them stable.
The parents who emphasize dinner table etiquette are prioritizing that manners matter in society, and they likely want their children to be very well-behaved in the eyes of other people.
Rules about sugar intake as well as food allergies/sensitives are usually non-negotiable, and it’s ok if the cousins have differences there. Grandparents must follow these rules in their home.
The truth is, grandparents are no longer in the role of making primary decisions, rules, and regulations that affect their grandchildren. This is a job for the parents. This can be a really difficult transition to embrace, and yet, family harmony requires it. Unless you identify a real safety issue, follow the parents’ rules to the best of your ability.
When your adult children have very different rules for their children, and it’s causing you concern during family gatherings, ask questions, dig deeper into why these rules matter so much to the parents, and request a little latitude when the grandchildren are in your home.
Teaching young children how follow their family rules while respecting the rules that other people hold dear is a great lesson in building character traits such as empathy, tolerance, and compassion. As a grandparent, this is a role you can really embrace.
Do you have a question about grandparenting? Submit it here.
Cynthia Kane is a board-certified, licensed genetic counselor with 25 years of clinical experience. A grandmother, Cynthia has a certificate in Grandfamily Leadership and is the founder of It’s Their Turn, which provides counseling, support, and education for grandparents. Grandparent Meet-Ups are forming now. Cynthia can be reached at cynthia@itstheirturn.com