Grandparent Mistakes: 3 Ways You're Straining Your Relationship with Your Family
Sarah thought she was being helpful when she told her daughter-in-law that the baby didn't need another nap. Three months later, she still hasn't been invited back to babysit. If you're wondering why family relationships feel strained since your grandchild arrived, you might be making one of these common mistakes without even realizing it.
Do you feel as if your grandchild’s parents make it hard for you to be the grandparent you want to be? Do you have a rocky relationship with your daughter-in-law? Do you wonder why your son is so short with you on the phone?
What’s going on with these parents?
Grandparent groups are full of complaints about parents. Parents who have too many rules. Parents who never want grandparents to visit. Parents who expect grandparents to babysit. But are parents solely to blame?
It’s hard to admit that we might be part of the problem, but the evidence is out there. Every day, we hear about grandparents who make life harder on parents or feel they deserve to be treated a certain way because of their role. Most of these grandparents have no idea that they are straining their relationships with their family.
Here are three of the mistakes we regularly see grandparents make.
1. You love being a grandparent so much you’ve stopped being a parent
What happens when grandparents focus only on grandchildren
Have you ever had a friend who started a new romantic relationship and suddenly had no time for her friends? Her entire life now revolved around her beau, and if you were lucky enough to catch her for a chat, she couldn’t talk about anything but her new love. It’s annoying—and hurtful. You begin to wonder if you were ever important to her, and it seems clear that you aren’t important any more.
That’s what it feels like to parents when grandparents shift all their attention to the new baby.
How to reconnect with your adult child
Send a text asking about their day (without mentioning the baby)
Offer specific help: "Can I bring dinner Tuesday?" instead of "Let me know if you need anything"
Remember important events in their life beyond parenting
Just because your child is now an adult and a parent doesn’t mean they don’t still need your love and attention. Read 4 Ways to Show New Parents You Care for more about how to make sure parents don’t think you’ve forgotten about them.
2. You believe you have a right to spoil your grandkids
Why "spoiling rights" damage family relationships
Grandmother groups, retailers, and social media all share the same message: it’s a grandparent’s right to spoil their grandchild. Let’s stop for a minute and look closely at what that message says, and why it’s such a bad message.
When a grandparent believes that part of their job is to overindulge grandchildren, they focus on what they can give the child, not the relationship itself. Instead of working towards connection, they rely on providing things and experiences that bring temporary joy to the child. Parents are left trying to deal with the impact of excess: too many toys everywhere, children who constantly expect to be indulged, and kids dysregulated by sweets, screen time and not enough sleep.
But what children really want is your time and attention. A study out of the University of Hertfordshire on the importance of grandchildren found that “Overall, the children appreciated time and engagement from their grandparents more than material gifts or expensive treats.”
Spoiling your grandchildren doesn’t improve your relationship with them, and it is most likely harming your relationship with their parents. Instead of overindulging your grandkids, just be there for them. That’s what they—and their parents—really want from you.
What to say instead of "It's my right to spoil them"
"What kinds of activities do you think [grandchild] would enjoy when I visit?"
"I'd love to plan something special with them. What would work best for your family?"
"How can I make my time with them meaningful without disrupting your routine?"
3. You think parents are setting ridiculous rules and boundaries
How modern parenting rules protect children (and why they matter)
Today’s parents are working hard to make sure their children grow up safely and with a clear sense of self. They are increasingly setting rules around things like food, screen time, and body autonomy. This can be baffling to those of us who grew up in a different time.
Rules like:
No kissing the baby
Ask before you hug the toddler
Don’t tell the preschooler they have to eat three bites
Bedtime is 7pm sharp no matter what
Child can only watch approved shows
If these rules aren’t followed, parents may limit the time or circumstances that grandparents can be with the grandchild. That’s where the boundaries come in: basically, if you don’t willingly follow the rules, parents will help you by making it harder to break them.
A boundary is different than a rule. While “no kissing the baby” is a rule, a boundary is “if you keep trying to kiss the baby, we are leaving.”
In most cases, parents’ rules are based on what they believe to be best for their child’s safety and development. Learning more about what the current recommendations are can go a long way towards helping you support parents’ choices.
If you want to be a part of your grandchild’s life, you need to show parents that you can be trusted. Just as in any other part of life, if you don’t follow the rules, you’ll lose the trust of those in charge. You wouldn’t tell your boss that you don’t have to follow company policy because that’s not the way you did it in your last job, would you? If you did, you’d likely not be in that job for very long.
Like it or not, parents are the boss of their baby. Respect them and their requests, even if you believe there is a better way.
Communication scripts for handling new rules
When you disagree: "This is different from when I was a parent. Can you help me understand the reasoning?"
When you make a mistake: "I realize I didn't follow your request about [specific rule]. I want to do better. Can we talk about it?"
When you're confused: "I want to support your choices. Could you explain more about why this is important?"
How to repair strained family relationships
The good news? These relationship strains can be repaired. Acknowledging that we may have room for improvement is an important first step. Parents want grandparents to be involved—they just need to feel supported, not undermined.
Start with these steps:
Acknowledge the strain without making excuses
Ask questions to understand parents' perspectives
Follow through on small changes to rebuild trust
Focus on connection over control
What this looks like in practice: "I realize I may have overstepped some boundaries lately. I love being a grandparent so much that I got carried away. Can we talk about how I can better support what you're trying to do as parents?"
Special considerations for mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships
The complex relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law often requires extra attention and care. It can be tricky to navigate loyalty to your son while building trust with the woman he chose as his partner.
If you're struggling to connect with your daughter-in-law, remember that she may feel caught between wanting your approval and protecting her own parenting choices. Small gestures of support and respect for her role as the mother can go a long way toward healing tensions.
Learn more about building a relationship with your daughter-in-law in our post: The Power of a Positive Relationship with Your Daughter-in-Law
Ready to Transform Your Family Relationships?
If you recognize yourself in any of these mistakes, you're not alone. The transition to grandparent isn't always smooth, and most of us learn as we go.
New Grandparent Essentials provides the roadmap many grandparents wish they'd had from the beginning. You'll discover how to build strong relationships with both parents and grandchildren, navigate modern parenting approaches with confidence, and become the supportive family member everyone appreciates.
The communication strategies, boundary navigation techniques, and relationship-building tools inside NGE have helped thousands of families move from strain to harmony.
Get New Grandparent Essentials and start healing your family relationships today →
Remember, you're not just trying to avoid mistakes. You're building the foundation for years of meaningful relationships with both your adult children and your grandchildren.
