Daughter-in-Law Problems?
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Do you have problems relating to your daughter-in-law? You aren’t alone. Mother-in-law vs. daughter-in-law stories abound on parenting forums and social media feeds. Both sides share horror stories of insults, outrages and lack of respect. You don’t have to have horror stories to share to wish that you had a better relationship with the mother of your grandchildren.
You may just feel as if you’ve never connected. You may feel you’ve been bending over backwards, with nothing to show for your efforts. Or you have no idea why she seems to resent you. She may be cold towards you, or even openly hostile. Or maybe you just don’t like the way she treats your son. Maybe she just complains all the time, and you can’t handle being around her for long.
Do any of those sound familiar?
A strained relationship with your daughter-in-law will make family gatherings unpleasant and make it harder to create the relationship you want with your grandchildren. It may even make your relationship with your own child harder. But there’s hope! If you have a difficult daughter-in-law, it doesn’t mean you’ll never have a good relationship with her. You may have to work a little harder, but the work will be worth it.
If you’ve already read the post The Power of a Positive Relationship with Your Daughter-in-Law and tried the suggestions there, you may need to make more of an effort. I hear you: If she’s the problem, why should you have to do the work? Quite simply, because you’re a grownup and there is no reason to let a difficult person affect your family relationships. Making the effort to get along with her better is a gift to your child and your grandchildren, and ultimately yourself.
One important step is to stop focusing on the negative. Extend what Dr. Becky of Good Inside calls the “most generous interpretation.” If your DIL consistently declines invitations to family dinners, you may want to assume it’s because she hates hanging out with you. A generous interpretation would be that she’s too tired to socialize at the end of the day. By making this shift in perspective, you may find it easier to be kind and respectful to her. That will often make it easier for her to return that kindness and respect.
Another thing: Make sure you aren’t putting your own child in the middle. Asking your son or daughter to intervene or play umpire will only make things worse. It really is up to you to form and maintain a relationship with your daughter-in-law outside of their partnership. This is especially true when you consider the current divorce rate. If your child’s marriage ends, and you don’t have an independent relationship with your daughter-in-law, it can be much, much harder to continue to see your grandchildren.
As always, we have books to recommend to you. We recently shared a list of books to help repair relationships. Since publishing that, we’ve found another to recommend: Just Listen by Mark Goulston. Subtitled “Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone”, Just Listen is a practical guide to handling difficult people. Though many of the examples and solutions are from the business world, the twelve tools it outlines for getting through and achieving buy-in will work in any situation. These conversational tools can change the way your daughter-in-law sees you, and help you to create the kind of relationship that will benefit the whole family.
If you have trouble with your daughter-in-law, it doesn’t have to be that way. Working on your communication skills can help you to understand, respect and even enjoy her. Of course, for some relationships, that won’t be enough. There are toxic daughters-in-law, just as there are toxic mothers-in-law. In that case, you’ll want to consider professional counseling from someone who specializes in family dynamics.