Why Grandparents Don’t Respect Boundaries
“I’m so tired of hearing about boundaries. My son and his wife have all these rules about how and when we can see the baby and we constantly have to bow to their schedule. When I had children, we didn’t try to tell our parents what they could and couldn’t do. It seems like this generation of parents has no respect for their elders.” ~Message from a reader
Boundaries are important in every relationship, but are truly vital in the parent-grandparent partnership. We talk about them a lot here at More Than Grand, but when I got this comment from a clearly frustrated grandparent, I started wondering if using the word boundaries was alienating our readers. Try as I might, I cannot find another word that succinctly describes the limits and rules we set to protect relationships.
So I ran a poll on Instagram asking our followers how they felt about the word. Over 90% of the grandparents responded that “boundaries” was not a negative word. Of the 10% who said it rubbed them the wrong way, none of them answered my request for more about why it bothered them.
Is it really just a generational thing? The reader whose comment I shared places the blame on today’s parents, but every generation of parents does things differently. While parents may be more direct about using the word boundaries, I don’t think the desire for them is any different today than it has been in the past. I know I always felt my parents and my in-laws respected our decisions as parents, and most grandparents today seem to be open to working with the rules and guidelines parents find important.
Why Grandparents Push Boundaries
Based on my experience working with grandparents here at More Than Grand, there are two categories of grandparents who are bothered by parents setting boundaries. The first category is people who are looking at their role of grandparent from a selfish place instead of one of cooperation. My theory is that these are the grandparents who don’t like the word “boundaries” at all!
Here are some of the symptoms I see in this group:
They have bought into the idea that their job as a grandparent is to spoil the grandkids.
They don’t respect their son- or daughter-in-law and disregard what he or she says.
They feel that they have the freedom to act as they please, since they are no longer the primary caregivers for their grandchildren.
They believe that the way they parented should be good enough for all parents.
The second category is grandparents who are just having trouble communicating openly with parents. This may show up in these ways:
They have different parenting styles or beliefs than the parents, and are baffled by the choices the parents are making.
They want to spend more time with their grandchildren and feel that the parents are being overprotective or not allowing them enough access.
They focus exclusively on their relationship with the grandchild and only casually on the relationship with the parents,
If you are a parent who is looking for advice on how to talk to grandparents about boundaries, you’ll have much more success with the second group. I’ll share some ideas down below for you to help grandparents understand the importance of boundaries, but (since this is a grandparent blog!) I want to share some ideas for grandparents first.
Healthy Grandparent Boundaries: Advice for Grandparents
If you don’t understand parents’ rules and decisions, talk to them about it! They have the best intentions for their child, and no doubt have a solid reason for choices they are making for your grandchild. Sometimes it is as easy as asking for more information about why they are so strict about the schedule, or so adamant that sugar never touch their baby’s lips. Often, learning the reasons behind their decisions will be all you need to support them.
(On the other hand, the parents’ rules may be as over-the-top as the one I heard about recently. These over-protective parents didn’t let their 18-month-old eat around other people for fear he’d consume something he shouldn’t, and no, there were no food allergies involved. If your grandchild’s parents have rules like this, the “nod and smile” method is the only defense you have.)
If you want more time with the grandchildren, try to have an open and honest conversation with parents about your concerns, and explain how the lack of contact is impacting the relationship between you and your grandchildren. Additionally, try to understand where they are coming from and what might be motivating them to be so protective. Avoid placing blame, and make suggestions for potential solutions. Above all, listen to their concerns and try to come to a solution together.
Finally, grandparents, make sure you are spending a good portion of your time and effort on your relationship with your adult children. Focusing exclusively on the grandchildren can make it hard to recognize when you are pushing limits with their parents.
Setting Grandparent Boundaries: Advice for Parents
It can be challenging to establish boundaries with grandparents, since they may have different parenting styles and may be used to doing things a certain way. The best approach is to have a direct and honest conversation with them, explaining your parenting philosophy and the boundaries you have set for your children. It can also be helpful to explain why these limits are important to you and your children's well-being. Sharing your resources is another way to help grandparents understand how things have changed: point them to the books, social media accounts, and websites you use for parenting advice.
If grandparents are open to it, you could set up a "grandparent agreement" that outlines the boundaries and expectations on both sides. This can serve as a reference point for all parties involved, and can help to prevent misunderstandings or confusion. This is especially important if grandparents will be providing child care.
Try to be flexible and willing to compromise when possible. Remember that the grandparents love your children and want what is best for them. By working together, you can all ensure that the children are safe and happy.
If the grandparents in your child’s life won’t engage in a conversation about boundaries, or consistently ignore or belittle your rules and requests, no amount of talking is likely to help. In these cases, I recommend finding professional help to deal with the feelings and frustrations that such a relationship causes.
A resource for setting healthy grandparent boundaries
Our digital guide, Partnering with Parents, includes everything you need to set balanced parent-grandparent boundaries from the start. Learn more about how it can help you here.