When Cultural Traditions Meet Modern Boundaries
Welcome to the first installment of Grand Advice, where we answer questions from real grandparents. Today’s answer comes from Cynthia Kane, Founder, of It's Their Turn: Wisdom for Grandparents.
“I come from a big Greek family where grandparents were an important part of children's lives, but my children's rules and boundaries are so strict that I feel as if I'm on the sidelines. I want to be a part of my grandchildren's lives! What can I do to play a bigger role?” ~YiaYia Maria
One of the most powerful factors that influence our own hopes and expectations about what being a grandparent will be like is the history of what role our own grandparents played in our lives. It sounds like you grew up with family traditions that you can trace back to your Greek heritage, and that your memories of your grandparents are loving and positive. It’s likely, then, that you came to grandparenthood with a sense that you would one day find yourself stepping into that treasured role that you recall, and that your grandchild would experience family life through many of the ways that are familiar to you.
Ethnic, religious, and other cultural traditions are often handed down through the generations from parent, to child, and then to grandchild. If your child has a partner whose cultural and family traditions and ways of interacting are very different from your own, their family life may seem unusual to you. It may make interacting with extended family members challenging. On the other hand, even a subtle contrast of cultures may bring many positive aspects that can enrich your grandchildren’s lives, and broaden their world view.
Let’s look a little more closely at these ideas:
When you are with your grandchildren and their parents, can you identify what it is that you are missing?
Are you missing participating in some of the behaviors that you remember your grandparents doing such as landing big, wet kisses on you and feeding small children by hand? Do you like having television on at all times, or having sweets at any time of day?
Many of today’s families are raising their children with a distinctly different set of behaviors from those of the past. Parents today live in post-COVID times, and do not support kissing babies and children on the mouth or feeding by hand. Shoes are likely to come off right inside the door and a march to the sink to wash hands is a first step. Screen time is limited, as are sweets. These are a few examples of routines that may seem overly restrictive to you, but do reflect the changing society, not just your grandchildren’s parental rules.
In what way do the parental rules and boundaries make you uncomfortable?
Is it that you feel that you can’t take a step without being corrected? Do you feel that the kids are being stifled or unfairly punished? Or on the other hand do the children have no rules and are allowed to do things that you think are unsafe?
Parents today do seem to have a slightly less laissez-faire attitude than parents had in past decades. Whether this is due to their own experiences as children, social media, or just a shift in societal norms is debatable. In general, if children are safe and treated with love, boundaries are ok. The parents have the right to makes these rules, and grandparents must respect them.
How exactly does your children’s parenting style differ from yours?
Would you say that your child and/or their partner reacts very differently than you would to any issue? Are their rules for nutrition, screen time, bedtime rituals very different from what you feel comfortable with?
The American Academy of Pediatrics is a trusted source for issues related to raising healthy children, and many American families follow their recommendations faithfully. AAP guidelines for newborn care and safety have changed, as well as those for older children, and these changes are non-negotiable in most cases. Learning about the research findings that led to these changes may help you feel more comfortable around your grandchildren.
Are the children thriving in this family? Do they seem happy and well-adjusted or anxious and cranky much of the time?
As you think about your grandchildren’s personalities, do they seem happy most of the time? Do their family routines provide stability and predictability? Are there frequent temper tantrums as the kids rebel against their rules, or do they seem content?
Take a moment to step back and reflect on your grandchildren’s behavior and personalities. Are they flexible, curious, kind to others, and do they follow directions? If they are school-aged, do they make friends easily and get along with others? If the answer to these questions is yes, then you can relax. Their home life and their parents’ rules and boundaries are preparing them well for success in the world. And that is something every grandparent wants for their grandchildren.
Can you identify some of the positive aspects of the grandchildren’s family traditions that you can participate in?
Are there any aspects that resonate with you as you spend more time with the grandchildren? Can you tease out something that feels familiar to you and build upon that?
Maybe your grandchildren’s other grandparents have different ways that they celebrate birthdays, read books aloud, play board games, or prepare holiday meals. Let your grandchildren teach you something that is from another tradition and see why it matters to them and their parents.
What are the ways that you can bring some of your family traditions into your grandchildren’s lives, without going outside of the parental rules?
Ask your adult child whether they have fond memories of their grandparents doing certain things with them that you desire doing with the grandchildren? Find a couple of things that you’d really like to do and see if the parents agree.
Your child may have one or two cherished memories from their childhood that stand out in their minds and include their grandparents. That’s a great starting point to build upon. Try to identify one type of activity that you enjoy, your grandchildren want to do, and that your adult children support. New traditions can be made with a little creative thought.
Remember, you already are part of your grandchildren’s lives, and you always will be. The feeling of being on the sidelines now may soon pass. If your grandchildren are very small, be patient and let your adult children settle into their roles. Their lives will become more complex over time, and they may reach out to you more and more.
As you demonstrate that you can be trusted to support the parents’ way of doing things, your connection with the grandchildren is bound to increase. There’s plenty of time ahead for you to find ways to share with them your personality, your sense of humor, your family history, your wisdom, and your philosophy of life.
For now, learn what makes these different rules and boundaries so important to your grandchildren’s parents. You may unexpectedly find yourself in agreement.
Do you have a question about grandparenting? Submit it here.
Cynthia Kane is a board-certified, licensed genetic counselor with 25 years of clinical experience. A grandmother, Cynthia has a certificate in Grandfamily Leadership and is the founder of It’s Their Turn, which provides counseling, support, and education for grandparents. Grandparent Meet-Ups are forming now. Cynthia can be reached at cynthia@itstheirturn.com