How to Help Someone After a Miscarriage
According to the National Institute of Health, an estimated 23 million miscarriages occur every year across the world. As eager grandparents, the news of your daughter-in-law or daughter’s miscarriage leaves you scrambling to comfort the grieving parents – while also processing your own grief. How do you help someone after a miscarriage while navigating your own grief?
As you process your own sadness at the loss of this little life, you can play the valuable role of listener and caregiver to the grieving parents. Here’s guidance on supporting your child through miscarriage grief while coping healthily with your own:
Do share your love, support, and a shoulder to cry on
The most powerful thing you can say is this: “I know how deeply you are grieving. I can’t make that go away, but I can be here for you as you mourn.” Then sit with them in their grief. Allow your child and their partner to initiate conversations. Be prepared to simply listen as they express despair, hope, or questions about faith. Sit in supportive silence if they prefer. This gives them space to experience and express their emotions, and relieves any pressure to “feel better” before they are ready.
Remember, too, that both parents are grieving. Too often the father or non-birthing mother is expected to be the stronger partner. Make sure that you are extending your care towards the whole family.
Don’t Minimize Their Loss
Comments meant to encourage like “you’ll have another child” diminish the baby they just lost. There is no way to truly comfort them, and trivial clichés often come across as insincere. It’s best to avoid things like:
Offering statistics on how common miscarriage is
Sharing stories of people who have had miscarriages and gone on to have healthy babies
Saying “at least you know you can get pregnant”
Reminding them that everything happens for a reason or “It’s for the best”
Wondering out loud if they did something to cause it, like exercising too much
Suggesting medical interventions they should investigate
Saying “At least it happened early” or “At least you didn't know your baby.”
Declaring “Now you have an angel to watch over you”
Another thing to avoid is comparing their miscarriage to past experiences of losing a someone you’ve loved. Allow them space to express sorrow without trying to relate it to your own losses, which shifts the focus from their own grief. For even more suggestions on what not to say, read this great post on Growforth Family Building’s blog.
Do Provide Tangible Help
Lauren Engler of Via Graces shared how valuable a grandparent’s practical help can be. “I recently had a miscarriage that landed me in the ER with significant blood loss and a blood transfusion - a very unexpected result to an already hard situation. My mom was able to come help things feel as "normal" as possible for our kids while I was largely unavailable to them. She and my husband were able to tag-team caring for them, cooking, and cleaning, as well as getting me to follow-up appointments. Without her, I would not have been able to take the time I truly needed to physically recover and care well for my family.”
In the fog of grief, everyday functions still demand attention. Offer to provide practical care through meals, childcare, cleaning or yardwork. Understand that while some parents will gladly accept this help, others will prefer to keep busy with routine chores. The suggestions we share in 10 Ways to Help New Parents is just as pertinent for those who have recently lost a child as it is for those who have just brought one into the world.
Keep in mind though, that in the rawness of early grief, even supportive family can become draining company. If you aren’t sure whether your adult children need company or privacy, strike a balance by stopping by briefly but often. Drop off a homemade meal or care package on the porch. Share a calm hug then take your leave. Return again soon with a card or bouquet. Small, thoughtful gestures can provide connection while leaving space for needed solitude.
Don’t Dwell on Your Grief
You may feel profound despair over your lost grandbaby. But this is first and foremost their loss, so try to contain your own expressions of grief around the bereaved parents. Find a friend or therapist to share your own emotions with, or express your feelings in a journal. This will allow you to provide comfort to parents centered on their grief rather than yours.
This doesn’t mean your grief doesn’t matter. It’s important that you take time and space to grieve the grandchild you will never meet. Just remember that one way to heal your own hurt is by helping your own child, who needs love and support right now.
Do Ask About Next Steps
As time goes by, inquire about plans for medical follow-ups, memorials, or counseling. Offer to accompany parents to doctor’s appointments, or to research counseling resources for them. These practical overtures show you are ready to support them in their healing process. Just be careful not to try to take charge instead of assisting them in their process.
The grief borne after miscarriage has no prescribed timeline or predictable course. But by being sensitive to your child’s needs in the moment, you can help them heal and find their way forward.
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