How to Have Difficult Conversations with Grandparents
Today’s post is for parents, though it’s a valuable read for grandparents, too!
We regularly get messages and emails from parents beginning, “How do I tell my parents that…
…it upsets me when they refer to my baby as their baby?”
…the kids are scared of them when they are so gruff?”
…we want to be the one to experience our baby’s firsts?”
…we don’t want them to buy so many toys for our child?”
…their comments about our child’s eating habits have to stop?”
These are just a few of the many issues parents have asked for help with. While we try to answer the messages when we can, it’s not always possible to do so. In this blog post, we’ll share some basic tips for parents who need to talk to the grandparents when they are doing something that you wish they’d stop.
After a lifetime of being the child in a parent-child relationship, it can be hard to adjust to the changing dynamic when you become a parent yourself. Intellectually, you know your parents are no longer authority figures, but there will always be a part of you that wants their approval. This can make it hard to assert yourself, or worse, make you feel that you must assert yourself so completely that the relationship is damaged.
It’s not an easy time to be a parent. There’s a lot of uncertainty in the world—in addition to the eternal uncertainties that come with being a new parent. This can make parents want to set very strict boundaries with grandparents to give themselves the feeling of control. The truth is, you can’t control everything, and it’s often worth letting something go to foster an overall positive family dynamic.
Hopefully, you believe that grandparents are important. Grandparents are a source of security and stability for grandchildren, and provide unconditional love, wisdom, and fun. Studies have shown that children who feel close to a grandparent have better mental health throughout their lives.
Even if the grandparents in your child’s life aren’t the ones you’d hope for, it’s almost always worth preserving the relationship. Some of the most important lessons you can teach your children are showing tolerance for differing opinions and modeling how to work through conflicts. All of us have our flaws, and we want our children to grow up knowing that even flawed people are worthy of love.
Before you start a difficult conversation
Assuming that you understand the value of a grandparent in your child’s life, how do you have those tricky conversations? Before approaching any potentially difficult conversation, here are four things to think through:
Think about what your end goal is. Is it control over the situation or to have a good relationship with the grandparent? Sometimes you can’t have both.
If the situation isn’t resolved, what would your next step be?
What are the risks involved in speaking up, and in not speaking up?
Is there a way to deal with the behavior you are unhappy about without a confrontation?
For example, let’s say you are frustrated with your mother’s frequent comments about body image. She not only talks about her own weight all the time, but she comments on your daughter’s chubby cheeks or short legs. Your goal is to get her to stop making such comments around your child. Would you keep your mother away from your daughter entirely if she doesn’t stop? Will your mother get insulted or angry or hurt if you talk to her about it, or will your daughter’s self-image be damaged by Grandma’s occasional comments? If you didn’t say anything to your mother, could you instead help your daughter understand that Grandma’s comments aren’t aligned with your beliefs?
How to have a difficult conversation
Before you start a difficult conversation, make sure you are clear on what you hope to achieve. Is it to educate your mom on why such comments are so harmful, or to tell her you will limit her time with your daughter if she doesn’t stop? What will you do if your mom gets defensive, dismissive, or upset? What are the benefits of having this conversation, and are they really worth it?
If you decide that the risks of upsetting your mother are worth it, then get ready for a conversation. Bringing it up in the moment is likely to make Grandma defensive. Instead, pick a time when you are on neutral ground. Make it a conversation, not an email or text. You need to be willing to listen as well as speak. (Read up on being a better listener here.)
Enter the conversation with the goal of finding a way forward, which means that you may not get the exact result you hope for. Start by explaining that there is something you want to talk over with your mom, and ask her if it’s a good time to discuss it. Tell her you realize it’s something that she may not understand the importance of, but it’s important to you.
Next, acknowledge that she adores her granddaughter, and emphasize that you share the same goal in the end: to raise a happy and healthy child. Explain what you want to talk about without blame: “Mom, I want to talk about the comments you make about your weight when you are around Taylor.” Share how it makes you feel when she makes the comments she does, and ask her about her feelings. Listen to what she has to say, and be curious about her experience.
Then share your request and your reasons for it. Offer to send her information like blog posts or information from your pediatrician so she can see why you are asking her to change. Ask her again how she feels, and if she is willing to try to change. Recognize that one conversation is unlikely to undo sixty years of being influenced by diet culture, and that you may need to agree on what to do if she slips up.
End the conversation by emphasizing how much you appreciate being able to talk to her about the things that affect your daughter.
One more thing: give grandparents some grace. They are getting lots of messages from society about how amazing their experience will be, and few messages about the importance of supporting you. While a grandparent’s wishes should never trump parents’ decisions about things that impact health and safety, it may be worth relaxing about some of the other things.