Are You Guilty of Guilt Trips?
If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know it makes your grandchild’s parents crazy when you:
Ignore parent boundaries
Think the old way of parenting is better
Don’t listen to what they are saying
But want to know what really drives them away?
When grandparents push back by making parents feel guilty.
Parents have told me time after time that grandparents make them feel guilty about things like:
Not visiting when grandparents want
Not wanting to use old baby equipment or toys that grandparents have saved
Not feeding their child a certain way
Not wanting so many gifts
Not letting their child stay with grandparents
I’m sure that many grandparents recognize that they are trying to manipulate their children using a good old-fashioned guilt trip. It’s a toxic trait, but one that is firmly settled in some people’s personalities. They like playing the victim to get others to prove they care about them. These grandparents don’t acknowledge that they might have done something wrong, but turn things back and make it the parents’ fault.
If the guilt alone doesn’t work, they’ll quickly move into drama mode: reminding parents of all the things they’ve done for them and asking where they’ve gone wrong. They’ll equate whatever they are asking for with love, and trigger parents’ shame or pity to get the result they want. And they’ll keep asking—over and over again, laying on more guilt, until parents give in or walk away from the relationship.
Even if you don’t recognize yourself in this description, you may be using guilt unwittingly. It can happen to any of us if we aren’t careful! Read on for more about why guilt is such a powerful motivator and how we can avoid using it.
Understanding the Dynamics: Why Guilt Manipulation Occurs
Manipulating our grandchild’s parents through guilt is usually due to a desire to maintain control or influence over our adult children's lives. As grandparents, it’s easy to feel that our years of experience make our opinions or desires more valuable than those of novice parents.
It's important to recognize that new parents have the right to make all the choices—and mistakes—as they raise their children, just as we did. If we want to maintain a healthy relationship with them, we have to step back and accept that those choices are not always going to be the ones we want them to make.
Recognizing A Guilt Trip: Are You Unknowingly Making One?
Recognizing and acknowledging our own behavior is the first step toward positive change. Here are some signs that you might unknowingly be using guilt as a tool:
Emotional Blackmail: Have you ever told your grandchild’s parents that something they do (or don’t do) makes you sad or unloved? “It just won’t feel like Christmas if I’m all by myself.” These guilt-inducing statements are an attempt to make your adult children feel obligated or responsible for your happiness or well-being.
Withholding Affection: Have you ever stopped calling or texting after your child has insisted on holding a boundary? Temporarily withdrawing affection or attention when you don’t get your way is one strategy for inducing guilt.
Emotional Overreactions: Have you ever reacted dramatically to a situation that didn’t go the way you wanted? Crying, shouting and heavy sighs are all ways of making your adult children feel guilty for their choices or decisions.
Excessive Comparisons: Have you ever tried to show them they are wrong by telling them about how someone else does it? “My friend Nancy gets to have her grandson over for sleepovers every weekend, and he’s only a year old.” Comparing your adult children's choices or parenting styles unfavorably to other people’s is a go-to tactic for making them feel inadequate or guilty.
Passive-Aggressive Comments: Do you make “jokes” that are intended to show your displeasure? “I guess raising four kids didn’t teach me how to feed a baby.” Making sarcastic or snide remarks makes your adult children feel guilty or uneasy.
Breaking Free: How to Get Off the Guilt Trip Train
If you recognize yourself in any of the above, you can break free from this cycle. If you want a healthier relationship with your adult children, it starts with reflection and self-awareness.
Take time for introspection and try to be honest with yourself about any guilt manipulation you may have been using. But since we all have a tendency towards self-protection, you can’t necessarily trust your assessment of whether you make your grandchild’s parents feel guilty. Ask them—and be open to their answer.
Work hard to initiate open and honest conversations with your adult children. Listen actively and validate their feelings and perspectives without resorting to guilt-inducing tactics.
Recognize and respect the boundaries set by your adult children. Avoid pushing your own agenda or imposing your opinions on their decisions.
Show empathy and offer support without attaching strings or expectations. Celebrate their successes and provide reassurance when things aren’t going so well.
Of course, this isn’t a one-way relationship! You will continue to have needs and desires that are important to express. How do you ask for what you want in a way that fosters a healthy parent-grandparent dynamic?
There are four steps that will help you avoid falling into the guilt trap.
1) Identify your needs and wants.
2) Make direct and specific requests.
3) Prioritize relationships over getting your way.
4) Take responsibility for your own feelings.
Let’s look at those four steps in a common scenario: You want your children and grandchildren to all be home for Thanksgiving.
First, try identify what it is that you want. Is it the chance to cook for everyone, or to have everyone gathered at the table? Is it because that’s what your best friend’s family does? Is the holiday itself important, or the togetherness? Knowing why you are asking will help you navigate any compromises that need to be made if you can’t get what you hope.
Second, make your request clearly and specifically. “I would love to have everyone to our house this year for Thanksgiving. Is there a way we can make that happen?”
Third, recognize that there will be legitimate reasons for your request not to happen. If you prioritize the relationships over your desire, it’s easier to find a solution that will work for everyone. Maybe you all travel to your grandchild’s house so they don’t have to haul a baby across the country. Maybe you plan a Thanksgiving dinner on another date so the in-laws get their turn. Maybe you start planning for next year, because nothing is working out this year.
Fourth, don’t unload your disappointment or anger on others. If things don’t happen the way you want, it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to make you feel better. Pour your feelings into a workout or a journal or your therapist, but don’t try to make your children feel badly. “Of course I’m disappointed, but I completely understand” is a much nicer thing to hear than “I’m so disappointed—it just won’t be the same without you.”
And finally, if you find you just can’t stop using guilt to try to get your way, consider seeking guidance from a family therapist or counselor. Sometimes a neutral professional is needed to help you break free from destructive patterns.
The relationships with our adult children and grandchildren can be the greatest source of joy in our lives. By fostering understanding, respect, and open dialogue, we can create an environment where love and trust flourish, allowing us to truly cherish our roles as grandparents and build stronger family connections.