A Grandparent’s Response to the Surgeon General’s Advisory on Parents’ Mental Health
The U.S. Surgeon General recently released an advisory on parental mental health and well-being. One of More Than Grand’s primary missions is to help grandparents support parents, and this advisory is an important reminder that there is much work to be done in this area. This response shares ways we can all help to improve the mental health and well-being of parents in our families and beyond.
As Denise sat across from her daughter at their monthly coffee date, she couldn't help but notice the dark circles under Jenn’s downcast eyes. "How are you really doing?" she asked, concern etching her face. Jenn’s eyes welled up with tears as she confessed, "Mom, I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm barely keeping it together."
This scene is playing out in cafes, living rooms, and phone calls across the country. Raising children has never been easy, but parents today say it's especially hard. They're right—it's harder than ever. So hard, in fact, that the U.S. Surgeon General has issued an advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents.
The Surgeon General issues an advisory when there's an urgent public health challenge facing Americans. These advisories aim not only to bring awareness to the issues but also to suggest how we can all help solve them.
In "Parents Under Pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General Advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Parents," the issue at hand is the enormous stress affecting today's parents. It explains the causes of this stress, its effects on parents, and what we all can do to improve parents' mental health.
And who better to help than grandparents?
Why Parenting Today Is Harder Than Ever
"In addition to the traditional challenges of parenting—protecting children from harm, worrying about finances, managing teenagers who are searching for independence—there are new stressors that previous generations didn't have to consider. These include the complexity of managing social media, parents' concerns about the youth mental health crisis, and an epidemic of loneliness that disproportionately affects young people and parents, just to name a few." *
Every generation of parents has challenges unique to their time. However, today's parents are facing a perfect storm of stressors that make their job particularly difficult. According to the advisory, parents are battling these challenges:
Financial Strain, Economic Instability, and Poverty: Many families struggle to meet their children's basic needs, pay for childcare costs, and provide for health and education expenses. Financial worries continue to be a top stressor among parents.
Time Demands: Parents today are working more hours than parents in the 1980s, while also spending more time on primary childcare. This increase in both work commitments and family responsibilities can lead to work-family conflict, burnout, and stress.
Children's Health: Nearly one in five children in the U.S. has a chronic physical, developmental, behavioral, or emotional condition. Managing these special health care needs adds significantly to parental stress levels.
Children's Safety: Parents report high levels of concern about their children being bullied, abducted, or attacked. Alarmingly, firearm-related injury has become the leading cause of death among U.S. children and adolescents ages 1-19. The possibility of a school shooting causes significant stress for 74% of parents.
Parental Isolation and Loneliness: Today's parents are lonelier than non-parents, which can exacerbate parental stress.
Technology and Social Media: The rapid evolution of technology and social media has been difficult and stressful for parents to manage, posing new risks to children's health and safety.
Cultural Pressures and Children's Future: Parents today face an intense culture of comparison. This, combined with expectations for time-intensive parenting and high childhood achievement, adds significantly to their stress.
These stressors can lead to adverse mental health conditions in parents, which can have far-reaching implications for children, families, and society as a whole.
The Surgeon General's Message: Caregivers Need Care Too
“While some parents can access resources, including the support of a committed co-parent, extended family, and friends who share in the responsibility of raising children, many parents are managing all these challenges largely on their own. And even for those with these supports, many parents still report feeling alone.” *
This powerful statement from the Surgeon General's advisory encapsulates the heart of the matter. As grandparents, it's easy to forget how challenging those early years of parenting can be. This advisory is a call to action for all of us. Even if we think our own adult children aren't struggling, we may not know the full story. And if they aren't struggling, there are others in our communities who could use our help.
Grandparents: Part of the Solution, Not the Problem
It's crucial to recognize that while grandparents can be an invaluable source of support, we can also inadvertently contribute to parental stress. How? By not respecting boundaries or by dismissing parents' worries.
Remember when we were new parents? Every decision felt monumental, and there was a constant fear that we would make a critical mistake. Now, with years of experience behind us, it's easy to brush off our children's concerns with a well-meaning "You're worrying too much" or "We didn't do that when you were little, and you turned out fine."
But times have changed, and so has parenting. What worked for us may not be the best approach now. When we dismiss our adult children's concerns, we're not only invalidating their feelings but potentially adding to their stress and self-doubt.
Similarly, overstepping boundaries—even with the best intentions—can create tension and add to parents' stress. It's essential to remember that our role now is to support, not to take over.
What We Can Do: Grandparents as a Support System
As grandparents, we're uniquely positioned to offer support. And that support shouldn’t be limited to our own families. Here are some ways we can help all parents
Advocate for Supportive Policies: Support and lobby for programs and policies that provide help to parents, from paid family leave to subsidized childcare. Vote for candidates that prioritize these programs.
Promote Workplace Support: If you're still in the workforce, advocate for access to comprehensive and affordable high-quality mental health care for employees. Encourage sensitivity to the stress employees with children are under.
Volunteer and Donate: Give your time and resources to organizations that provide support for parents in your community and beyond. Strengthening communities will make the world a better place for your grandchildren.
Offer Practical Support: Sometimes what a parent needs most is someone else to cook dinner. Ask what your adult children could use help with, and step up where you can. If you are financially secure, offer to help with
child care costs or other expenses. Remember, even small gestures can make a big difference.
Be Present and Available: Check in frequently with your adult children, and ask how they are doing, not just how the grandchildren are doing. Be ready to listen without judgment so they know they can depend on you.
Educate Yourself: Learn to recognize warning signs of mental health distress in parents. This knowledge could be crucial in getting help early.
Respect Boundaries: Ask how you can help instead of assuming. Respect the parenting decisions your adult children make, even if they differ from your own approach.
Validate Their Concerns: Instead of dismissing worries, listen actively and empathize. Offer your perspective if asked, but always validate their feelings first.
Moving Forward: Partnering with Parents
At More Than Grand, we believe in the power of strong, supportive relationships between grandparents and parents. Our "Partnering with Parents" resource is an excellent tool to help you navigate this supportive role effectively. It provides strategies for open communication, respecting boundaries, and offering help in ways that are truly beneficial. You can find it in our shop as part of New Grandparent Essentials or as a stand-alone product.
Remember, supporting parents isn't just about helping our own families. It's about creating a culture where all parents feel supported and valued. By understanding the challenges modern parents face and offering the support they need, we can play a crucial role in improving the mental health and well-being of parents. As a added bonus, this will improve the health and happiness of our grandchildren.
Let's answer the Surgeon General's call to action. As grandparents, we have the wisdom, the time, and the love to make a real difference. Our adult children—and all parents—need our support now more than ever. By being mindful of how we offer that support, we can ensure we're truly helping, not adding to their stress.
*Quotes from Parents Under Pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General Advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Parents