A Grandparent’s Guide to Secondary Infertility
Your first grandchild has brought you so much joy. If years pass and no second baby arrives, your adult children may be facing the heartbreak of secondary infertility. Discover how your support as a grandparent can make all the difference.
Phoebe and Greg's daughter was almost three when they decided to try for baby number two. Since she hadn't had any trouble conceiving the first time, they assumed it would be just as easy to conceive this time around. They never expected to be coping with secondary infertility.
After trying for a year, Phoebe still hadn't gotten pregnant. She talked to her doctor, who suggested they start some doing some basic tests, but to keep trying. Six months later, she had a miscarriage. More tests were ordered, more procedures endured. After three years, there was still no second baby.
"Through this whole ordeal, while I'm doing everything I can to have another child, the grandparents kept asking me why we weren't giving Kensi a sibling," Phoebe said. "It felt like such an accusation; even though I know they didn't mean it that way."
What is secondary infertility: Understanding the basics
When someone has had a successful pregnancy but is unable to conceive in the future, it's called secondary infertility. It doesn't have to be after one pregnancy—it can happen after a second or third baby, as well. It can be hard to accept, especially when you've already experienced a successful pregnancy once.
According to the National Survey of Family Growth, about 13% of the women who try for another child find it difficult or impossible to get pregnant or carry a pregnancy to term. It's not as common as primary infertility, but it's partially explained by the advancing age of the person trying to get pregnant. We know that as eggs age, they become less viable. A woman's eggs will always be more viable for a first pregnancy than for subsequent ones. There are other reasons as well, including fibroids, endometriosis, and declining sperm count.
Now that you've got a brief idea of what secondary infertility is and why it might happen, here's what grandparents really need to know: how to support your adult child going through it.
Signs your adult child may be experiencing secondary infertility
The hardest part for grandparents is that you may not be aware that your daughter or daughter-in-law is struggling with secondary infertility. Not everyone is comfortable sharing information about their family planning challenges. Couples often keep their fertility struggles private due to the emotional toll it takes. They may be protecting themselves from additional pressure, or avoiding well-meaning but potentially hurtful comments from family members. Sometimes, they're still processing their own feelings about the situation before sharing with others.
Because of this, it's important for grandparents not to:
Ask when Junior's getting a sibling
Point out cute babies and say, "Don't you want another one?"
Make comments about how hard (or wonderful) it is to be an only child
Say "Your child would be so much happier with a sibling"
Make remarks like "You're not getting any younger" or comments about biological clocks
If your adult child has confided in you about their secondary infertility journey, consider it an act of trust. They're including you in a highly personal struggle. Rather than asking for updates or timeline questions, which can add pressure, focus on being emotionally supportive. Let them lead the conversation. Your role is to listen, validate their feelings, and offer practical support in ways that help them.
How grandparents can support adult children dealing with secondary infertility
Secondary infertility affects both partners, though perhaps in different ways. Acknowledge that both are experiencing grief—whether it's over the loss of control, disappointment with their bodies, or mourning the family they envisioned. This validates their experiences and shows you understand the complexity of what they're facing.
Respecting their privacy is paramount. Never share details of their family planning challenges with extended family, friends, or social media without explicit permission. What they've shared with you is confidential, and breaching that trust can damage your relationship. Instead, be a protective buffer at family gatherings where pregnancy announcements or baby discussions might trigger pain for your child and their partner. You can gently redirect conversations or create space for them to step away if needed.
Taking time to learn about fertility terminology and treatments demonstrates your commitment to understanding their experience. You don't need to become an expert, but knowing basic terms like IUI, IVF, or hormone protocols shows you're invested in supporting them through this process. This knowledge helps you ask informed questions when appropriate and better comprehend the physical and emotional challenges they're facing. Just don’t start giving them medical advice!
Practical ways grandparents can help parents dealing with secondary infertility
When you are grandparenting during infertility, practical support often speaks louder than words. Your adult children may be dealing with the emotional strain of fertility treatments while still parenting their existing child. Here are concrete ways grandparents can provide meaningful assistance:
Ways to help:
Help with household chores when your adult child is exhausted
Create special time with your existing grandchild to give parents a break
Listen without giving advice unless specifically asked
Give them space when needed without taking it personally
Ways to help if they are going through treatments:
Offer to babysit during fertility appointments and procedures
Drive to appointments if medications make driving difficult
Remember important appointment dates and check in afterward (without demanding details)
Provide meals during intensive treatment phases
Offer financial assistance for treatments if you're able (without strings attached)
Send care packages with self-care items during difficult treatment phases
Grandparent support during secondary infertility strengthens families
Secondary infertility creates an uncomfortable grief—mourning the possibility of another child while simultaneously feeling grateful for the child you have. As grandparents, your role is to acknowledge both these realities without judgment. By offering consistent, thoughtful support without pressure, you help create a safe place for parents.
Remember that your adult children are doing their best in a situation they never expected to face. Your patience, understanding, and willingness to follow their lead will strengthen your relationship no matter how the situation plays out.
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