Is Grandmother Being Pushed Out by Her Daughter-in-Law?
Welcome to Grand Advice, where we answer questions from real grandparents. Today’s answer comes from Cynthia Kane, Founder, of It's Their Turn: Wisdom for Grandparents.
I am a soon-to-be first-time grandmother. I’ve always had an extremely close relationship with my daughter-in-law. Her mother has unmedicated mental health struggles and has been a disruptive force in my DIL’s life. DIL has had little contact with her mom/grandmother in recent years, and thanks me often for accepting her as my daughter.
The problem is that now that she’s pregnant, she wants to rekindle the relationship with her mom and it feels like I’m being pushed out. My DIL now wants her mom to help out at home after they are discharged even though I was previously promised that honor. I’m tremendously hurt, but I am also worried about my son and DIL welcoming someone who has shown threatening/dangerous behavior in the past back into their lives.
My feelings are so hurt and I’m finding myself questioning why I can’t seem to get over this. I am desperate to find a solution so that this baby isn’t in the middle of a difficult situation.
~Janine
Dear Janine,
Thanks so very much for sharing this situation with Grand Advice. It sounds like it’s really causing you some very hurt feelings, and that seems pretty understandable.
Hearing the news that you will soon become a grandmother for the first time is exhilarating! No doubt you have had a thousand thoughts about what this joyous experience will feel like. Given your relationship with your son and daughter-in-law, it’s no wonder at all that you hoped to be a part of this life event right from the very start, beginning with labor and delivery and then into the postpartum period.
At the same time that all of these ideas are going through your mind, similar ones are going through your son and daughter-in-law’s minds. It may be that for your DIL, being pregnant and anticipating becoming a mother herself, has prompted deep self-reflection about her own relationship with her mother. All of us go through these kinds of processes from time to time, and when we do it can be difficult to explain to others who may have very different expectations for us.
Now is the time for you to do your very best to try not to feel personally rejected or insulted about anything that is planned for your grandchild’s arrival. As an expectant grandmother, you can begin to embrace the role of wise elder, loving supporter to the new parents, and dedicated investor in your grandchild’s well-being. You have a choice of how you’d like to act, and your actions will become part of how this transition to parenthood is remembered by your son and DIL.
The more you express selfless support for your son and DIL’s plans --even as they may seem odd to you at the moment given the history that they’ve had with your DIL’s mother-- the more you allow healing for your family’s future. This may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but remember you are doing it for your grandchild.
You may ask, how do I handle my hurt feelings of being cut out, replaced or set aside? Good question. My recommendation is to temporarily find other sources of emotional comfort such as dear friends who will listen and remind you how loved and needed you are.
You have spent years investing in your DIL and she loves you, I am certain of that. While she is processing this metamorphosis into motherhood, give her time to sort through her feelings, especially as they relate to her complicated history with her own mother. Along with your son, they will find their way towards building their family life which will absolutely include both your DIL’s mother and you.
Stay confident that your grandchild will benefit tremendously from your wisdom, your selflessness, and your ability to see the big picture.
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Cynthia Kane is a board-certified, licensed genetic counselor with 25 years of clinical experience. A grandmother, Cynthia has a certificate in Grandfamily Leadership and is the founder of It’s Their Turn, which provides counseling, support, and education for grandparents. Grandparent Meet-Ups are forming now. Cynthia can be reached at cynthia@itstheirturn.com