Are Boomers Bad Grandparents?

Andrea had fond memories of phone calls with her parents when her kids were little, chatting about the baby’s latest milestones and the antics of her toddler. Her mom was the first person she turned to for advice when she had parenting questions, and the first person she called when one of the kids did something newsworthy. When she became a grandparent herself, she assumed she’d be having similar conversations with her daughter.

Instead, she feels like an outside observer of her grandchildren’s lives. She doesn’t understand her daughter and son-in-law’s parenting choices, and her attempts to offer advice are rebuffed. The close relationship she’s always had with her daughter seems to have vanished.

Andrea’s not alone. Social media is full of claims that baby boomers are bad grandparents, and it’s hard to combat this image of generations that can’t get along. But communication is the only way to bridge the generation gap, and grandparents can lead the way to a closer relationship by starting the conversation.

The Parent-Child Relationship Changes When You Become a Grandparent

Your relationship with your adult children changes as you both grow into new roles. You don’t stop being a parent when you become a grandparent, but things that worked before may not anymore. You need to find new ways of relating to one another as you enter this exciting stage of life.

There will always be generational differences in values and perspectives, especially when it comes to parenting practices. The parenting landscape looks vastly different today than you were raising little ones. For that matter, it looks different than just ten years ago! What was standard practice when you were a parent may be outdated or even unsafe by today’s standards.

These differences can easily become tensions without open, empathetic communication on both sides.

As the elder in this new relationship, the responsibility often falls on the grandparent to pave the way for improved understanding. Here are three important ways you can start bridging the grandparent-parent generation gap:

Grandparents Should Initiate Open Conversations

Don’t wait for your adult children to bring up issues or concerns about your grandparenting style or ideas about child safety. They still seek your love and approval, and they may avoid broaching tricky topics to spare your feelings. By taking the first step, you signal that you value their decisions and are ready to listen without judgment.

This conversation can start with a text or phone call, but it’s even better if it’s done when you are together without distraction. Try to find a time to get coffee together, or go for a walk after dinner.

Let your child know that you understand that becoming a parent is a big adjustment, and that you want to support them in the ways they need. Ask them how you can do that, and let them know how you’d like to be involved in your grandchild’s life.

Express Your Desire to Learn About Modern Parenting Practices

The world of parenting evolves at lightning speed. Guidelines and best practices that were standard in years past may be considered unsafe or even unacceptable now. As an involved grandparent, expressing curiosity about these changes shows maturity and care.

Try asking questions like:

• “I’d love to learn more about car seat safety recommendations. They seem much stricter these days. Can you tell me the guidelines?”

• “Would love your thoughts on how much time you’d ideally like me to spend with you and the kids each week. What works best for your schedule?”

• “I read an interesting article about using positive reinforcement vs punishment. Seems opposite from when I parented. Can you tell me about your approach?”

Our guide, Partnering with Parents, shares more strategies and questions to guide this conversation. You can get your copy from our shop, either on its own or as part of New Grandparent Essentials.

Listen to New Parents Actively and With Empathy

Sometimes, no matter how gently you try to start a conversation or how willing you are to change, your efforts are met with indifference or dismissal. Try not to take offense! All new parents feel anxious and protective in those fragile early years. Extend compassion by truly listening without rebuttal when concerns are raised. Affirm their role as parents and your supportive role as grandparents.

Listening is not as easy as we’d like to believe. Truly hearing another person means putting aside our own thoughts and feelings. For tips on being a better listener, read When Grandparents Don't Listen to Parents.

Sometimes past patterns of interaction can keep you from having an open, mutually respectful conversation. If you uncover differences in perspectives that threaten your relationship, one of the titles on our list of books to repair relationships may help provide guidance on navigating each other’s boundaries.

Becoming a grandparent introduces massive changes to long-held family dynamics. But with communication based on mutual love and understanding, this new phase can usher in an equally beautiful intergenerational connection. Boomers, like generations before and after them, make fantastic grandparents when they understand these new dynamics. Confront the generation gap head-on by opening your mind, leading with empathy, and remembering what matters most – being part of the family that nurtures the next generation.