Treating Grandkids Fairly: What Grandparents Should Consider
Welcome to Grand Advice, where we answer questions from real grandparents. Today’s answer comes from Cynthia G. Kane, Founder, of It's Their Turn: Wisdom for Grandparents.
I’d be interested to hear how you’d address the issue of “fairness” between grandchildren. For example, I may see something I know my granddaughter would love but there is nothing at the moment that seems right for her brother. Do I give cash to my grandson (he loves $$), risking that she might have preferred cash, buy him nothing saying I will find a surprise for him later, or, as I often do, forgo the gift for my granddaughter and buy nothing. I am talking about “just for fun surprises” here….art supplies, a book, hair ornaments….not a birthday or holiday gift. Your thoughts?
Thanks for reaching out to Grand Advice. This is an interesting question, and a delicate situation that I am sure many grandparents encounter.
Let’s think this through together:
Giving our loved ones gifts that we believe they will enjoy is one of the most gratifying experiences in life. For a grandparent, it can be particularly joyous when we know our grandchild well enough to give them something we are confident they’ll love.
For school-aged children like your grandchildren, there is a never-ending list of things that they want. Must-have items are presented to all of us incessantly through ads and social media. It’s human nature to want to acquire things that we deeply desire. For children, the wants can be extremely fleeting and changeable.
Fairness is an issue that comes up often in families. It’s difficult for parents and grandparents to be completely fair in every single interaction, however, the principle behind fairness is important. When interactions between family members seem unfair, resentments can develop that can be long-lasting, even lifelong.
Take a few moments to think about what exactly is going through your mind when you see something you are certain your granddaughter will enjoy, and then you consider what buying it will mean to her and consequently to your grandson. Can you identify the emotions that are going on inside when you imagine picking this small item up for her and presenting it to her?
What is your own concept of fairness? How were gifts presented in your family when you were a child?
Could it be that you are envisioning how much you would have liked the same item when you were a little girl, and yet thinking of what a boy would like is very difficult?
Do you believe that your grandchildren might feel closer to you or more excited to see you because you give gifts or cash regularly?
Most of the little gifts you mention wanting to give your granddaughter are gender-neutral. Art supplies and books? These are gifts that your both of your grandchildren can enjoy! It seems that buying nothing for her feels to you like failing to show her your love, so it feels like a negative course of action to you.
But what is the message being received by the children as you purchase and present gifts or cash to them? They may see this very differently than you do.
You’re thinking: Oh, Olivia will love this little item! No big deal, just lets her know I am thinking of her. I’ll give Luke a little cash since I can’t find anything that he’d like as much.
Your granddaughter will probably enjoy what you have given her for a very short time, then it will be forgotten. She may get the distinct message that you know her tastes and it will feel good at the moment, but since what children love and want changes at lightning speed, it may soon not have much meaning for her.
Giving your grandson cash sounds like a reasonable option because as young people age it is harder and harder to identify something they’d really like. It’s easier to give cash so they can choose something they want. But monetary gifts can be interpreted very differently than material gifts simply because money is a very complex symbol in our culture.
Your grandson and granddaughter will no doubt feel these differences in your gift giving as time goes on. They may compare notes, and they may feel that things don’t seem quite fair. Which child feels more indulged or loved may be unpredictable. In the long run, they may begin to develop feelings of resentment for each other.
It goes without saying that all gift-giving by grandparents should be approved by parents first. Many parents today are strongly opposed to having their children acquire more and more disposable, unnecessary items that are of limited interest and just end up in the landfill. On the other hand, parents will almost never decline gifts of books or other items that have long-lasting appeal and utility.
Steps you can take right now:
Restrain yourself from buying items for either grandchild that you predict will interest them for only a short period of time then be thrown away.
Learn what each of your grandchildren truly value. Take time to explore their interests now, and make sure they know that you want to keep up with how their passions evolve in the future.
Focus on gender-neutral gift giving. Give books, art supplies, sports equipment, musical items, items for their desk or bedroom. Consider giving experiential gifts such as tickets to performances or special events.
If you are open to it, give your grandchildren gifts only at birthdays or holidays. Not only does this elevate the specialness of both of these events, it reduces the heightened feeling of expectation that the children may have whenever you interact with them. They will not be expecting gifts or cash, which may reduce the problem of fairness.
A word about spoiling:
Although you do not use the term spoil in your question, this is a good time to explore the concept. Many grandparents have the strong desire to spoil their grandchildren, and some will say they feel they have a right or even an obligation to do this. Underlying this may be an unconscious fear that if they don’t indulge their grandchildren with gifts, money, sweets, or even breaking the parental rules now and then, the children will not want to spend time with them or perhaps love them.
Some experts have concluded that overindulgence in childhood can lead to a sense of privilege and a lack of self-discipline and accountability in adulthood. This is debatable, of course, but no grandparent wants to contribute to developing these obnoxious traits in their grandchildren.
Your question to Grand Advice is evidence that you are a loving grandmother who cares deeply about both of her grandchildren and wants them to feel equally treasured and fairly treated. No doubt, they feel this already.
In the future, it may help to reframe the concept that you are failing to show love when you resist buying that little trinket for your granddaughter and then balance it out with cash for your grandson. Replace those actions with big hugs, a joyous exclamation of how proud you are of something they just did, and authentic questions that show how much you want to know all about their day, their friends, their activities, and their passions.
Grandchildren who feel deeply loved and treasured just for being who they are grow up to be confident and compassionate adults who tend to value relationships above material items. You can be a role model for your grandchildren and demonstrate what truly matters in your family and in life. The likelihood is they won’t miss that little gift or bit of cash for one minute.
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Cynthia G. Kane is a board-certified, licensed genetic counselor with 25 years of clinical experience. A grandmother, Cynthia has a certificate in Grandfamily Leadership and is the founder of It’s Their Turn, which provides counseling, support, and education for grandparents. Cynthia can be reached at cynthia@itstheirturn.com