1st Grandchild Coming Soon? Visiting After the Birth of Your Grandbaby
Megan was so excited: her first grandchild was coming soon. Her daughter had struggled with infertility, so this baby felt like a miracle. She booked her flight for a few days before the due date, and called to let her daughter know she’d be able to stay for a couple of weeks to help out in those early, sleepless days.
She wasn’t at all prepared for her daughter’s response. “Mom, we want to hold off on visitors for a few weeks. Can you change your flight?”
Megan admitted to her best friend that she felt angry. How could her own daughter want to keep her grandchild from her? She’d waited so long to become a grandparent. Surely, she deserved to meet the baby right away!
Megan was also hurt. Why didn’t her own daughter want her help? She remembered how much help she’d needed the first few weeks of motherhood. Didn’t her daughter realize how hard it was going to be?
Before you decide when to visit your new grandbaby, consider this perspective!
Parents aren’t always eager for the help grandparents want to give. Beyond that, they have many reasons for their desire to wait for a couple of weeks—or months—before they introduce the baby to their extended family. As grandparents, it’s important to respect those reasons, and accept that we don’t get to choose when we meet our new grandchild.
Reasons Parents May Not Want Visitors Right After the Baby is Born
Whether it’s time to recover from the birth, bond with the baby, or to minimize risk of illness, there are many reasons why parents may ask you to delay visiting after the birth of your grandbaby. Some of the reasons include:
Health and Safety Concerns: Newborns are more susceptible to infections, and parents may want to minimize the risk of exposing their baby to potential illnesses. Waiting allows the baby to build some immunity and reduces the risk of them getting sick.
Bonding Time: Parents may want to establish a strong bond with their newborn before introducing extended family members. These early days can be crucial for forming a close connection with their baby—and with each other in their new roles as parents.
Rest and Recovery: The postpartum period can be physically and emotionally exhausting for the person giving birth. Parents may need some time for rest and recovery before hosting visitors, even close family members.
Adjustment Period: The first few days or weeks after birth can be a period of adjustment for both the baby and the parents. Parents might want some time to settle into their new roles before introducing the baby to extended family members.
Establishing Routines: They may want to establish a feeding and sleeping routine before introducing additional people into the mix. If the baby is breast or chest fed, they may want to ensure that feeding is going well before introducing the baby to others.
Reducing Overstimulation: Newborns can be sensitive to stimuli. Parents may want to maintain a calm and controlled environment to avoid overstimulating the baby.
Respecting Parents' Wishes: It may just come down to personal preferences. Some parents simply may not want to have to worry about visitors while adjusting to a new baby. Respecting these wishes is essential for a positive family dynamic.
So, when CAN grandparents visit a newborn?
This will vary from family to family, but the parents are the ones to make the final decision. Some may welcome the extended family into the birthing room. Others may want a month before adding anyone to the mix. The key for grandparents is not to assume that meeting your grandbaby will happen on your timeline. You’ll need to talk to parents about what works best for them. You’ll also want to keep these important guidelines in mind:
Ask parents what will work for them, and adjust your plans to suit them. Being accommodating now will pay off in the long run as parents know they can count on you to listen.
Don’t expect parents to feed or entertain you. Aim to lighten their load instead of add to it.
Focus on the parents instead of the baby. The baby will not remember your interactions in five years, but parents will always remember if you make them feel like second class citizens.
Visiting Your New Grandbaby When You Live Out of Town
If you are coming to visit from out of town, it’s crucial to make sure the timing of your visit works for new parents. Provide your own transportation from the airport if you are coming by plane. If you can afford it, stay at a hotel or AirBnB.
If you will be staying for more than a few days, make sure to give parents time on their own. Read why that’s so important in New Parents Need Space.
Visiting Your New Grandbaby When You Live Nearby
Lucky you! You live close enough to pop over to the hospital and wait in the waiting room for your grandbaby to arrive! And you can be there to help in those early days as much as needed.
But before you get too attached to the idea of seeing your newly arrived grandson within minutes of his birth, talk to his parents. They may not want the pressure of having a waiting audience on hand while giving birth. The stress of knowing that people are waiting for you to produce a baby can actually slow down labor.
The same goes for helping out. Just because you live nearby, it doesn’t mean parents automatically want you popping in regularly. Make sure you’ve had a conversation about what help they may need, and when they are comfortable with having visitors.
Have the Conversation Now
If your first grandbaby is coming soon, when you can visit after the birth of your grandbaby is something to discuss with your adult children now. Remember that although this is your grandchild, the wishes of his or her parents have priority over yours. Grandparents don’t “deserve” anything just by virtue of their place in the family. Though some families and cultures honor the grandmother or grandfather as the head of family life, that is increasingly uncommon in Western families. By establishing early on that you want to know and respect parents’ wishes, you’ll set yourself up to be an involved, valued grandparent.
Want to really make sure you are on the same page as parents? Get New Grandparent Essentials, and master grandparenting from day one!
