Are you a grandparent who wants to help new parents who may be suffering from perinatal mood and anxiety disorders? We recently spoke with Candy Baracat-Donovan of Like a Sister Support about how grandparents can help new parents who are going through perinatal depression or other mental health struggles. You can listen to the full conversation by clicking on the audio player above, but here are the highlights of our conversation.

Spotting Signs of Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders

Candy: We tell our new parent clients that with perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, or PMADS, ultimately it's not even how it looks, it's about how it feels. Something that could be normal behavior for one person could represent a really big change for somebody else. We talked about the signs and symptoms in our blog post last week, so please take a moment to read that now.

Where we can sort of make our first misstep as loved ones is by brushing symptoms off and saying things like, “Well, you're a new mom, of course, you're feeling like you want to go check that the baby's still breathing; of course, you're nervous walking down the stairs.” That might be the case for some people. But for some people, those feelings can impede their day-to-day life so that they don't want to drive with the baby in the car, they don't want to leave the house. They don't want to go from one level of their home to the next. They don't want to go to sleep themselves. As loved ones, there is a lot we can do to help, especially those of us that are with these new parents in those early days.

DeeDee: What do you recommend grandparents do if they do see signs that are concerning to them?

Candy: You and I have talked about how it's all about communication, right? For those who are invested in being really wonderful grandparents, the conversation, or conversations, can happen before the baby even arrives.  You can express your desire to be that go-to person and talk about mental health issues openly. Maybe sharing some of your experiences, or maybe just saying, like, “Hey, I know a lot of people deal with mental health struggles after their baby's born”, or, “I've been reading up, or I follow this great Instagram account, and I read a blog…I just want to talk about it now.” And that might be enough to sort of open the doors and give you a reference point to come back to after the baby's born.

DeeDee: When I polled grandparents, one of the things I asked was, “Did you feel like you could help?” And many of them said “I didn't know what to do to help.” And so that's why I wanted to have this conversation with you today. Because sometimes we see something happening, and we just don't know what to do. So what are some of the things that new parents said would be helpful?

Candy: I think we need to sort of caveat that this is really dependent on the personalities of the people involved, the relationships you have, maybe even whether it's your child or your in-law—all of those factors can come into play. But I would say the first thing that was almost universal across the board is that people want validation.

New parents need validation and empathy

We can get into this habit of toxic positivity, where we are trying to give a little pep talk to a parent that's really feeling totally overwhelmed, underwater, struggling physically, in pain. If you reflect on what you want to hear when you're not feeling great, those messages of, “You can do it!” and “You're the best mom ever!” can sometimes be almost invalidating. Parents in our community said that they wanted to hear “It's so hard, isn't it? I know that it's just so hard to be sleep deprived. And I can see that you're trying so hard. And you're the best parent for my grandbaby. And I'm so proud of you. But man, it's like awful to have to wake up every 90 minutes, isn't it?”

Showing empathy and being real, rather than always positive is more helpful. As somebody who had your own kids, you may remember that. That leads us into the second piece, which is sharing your own experience if it’s relevant. What's nice about that is that it doesn't require anything of the listener.

So you could say to your daughter-in-law, for example, “I remember when I brought my second baby home, I was so worried about my oldest feeling like I couldn't spend enough time with him. And I just remember like that feeling in my stomach, but it passed.” Seasoned parents—whether that's our older sister, or a mom or an aunt or whomever—first time parents look at them like they have all the answers. They seem like so confident, right? Getting to see a little sliver of a time when they were a new parent and they weren't so confident is really humanizing. It can be really bonding.

DeeDee: Exactly. One of the things about sharing, though, is that it is important to make sure that you're not giving your experience as competition—because it can come across that way. If you're like, “Oh, well when I had my baby, I didn't have any help.”

Candy: We need to be careful! But if that's something that you really can validate, it’s good to share.

The other thing that our folks in our community said is that you don't have to make like a big deal of your support. It can be as simple as, “Hey, I sent you guys a DoorDash gift card. I know it can be hard to get dinner on the table. But this one's on me.” Or a super simple check in—not to check in to ask for baby pictures! But “I was thinking about you. How did last night go?” Questions that are focused on the parent and show you are not just thinking about the baby.

If you're in town, one client said they would have loved if someone had just said, “Hey, I'm going to Chipotle. I'm going to pick up dinner: is chicken still your favorite meal? Or do you feel like something else?” You're not asking them to make a decision. Make it clear you're going to drop off dinner and go. It also gives you an opportunity to open those lines of communication.

So if you're concerned, it doesn't have to be, “Hey, how are you? Really?”

Don’t ask “How are you?”

Postpartum Support International offers a HelpLine for anyone struggling with perinatal mood disorders. Visit their website or call 1-800-944-4773

DeeDee: I heard once that question to ask is, “How are you coping?” Which opens up a whole different response for a parent who's having trouble coping. Because how many times have you ever asked someone “How are you?” and not gotten the answer, “Oh, fine.” or “Okay” They’re not going to open up to that question. But if you ask, how are they coping, that gives them the permission to say, “Not so great.”

Candy: That's a great point. That's basically saying, “I know, it's really hard. I know, your answer isn't going to be everything's great.” Let them know that you don't always want to hear that happy, polished up version. 

Especially with our in-laws, we can feel like we don't want anybody to worry about us. That's common as a new parent, the “I want people to think I know what I'm doing. I have everything under control, and I have to give off this aura of I got it.”  It’s hard to be vulnerable even with our own parents, especially if we don't have a close relationship.

This is a time that can actually be bonding. We sometimes assume that the only way that you can have these kind of tough conversations postpartum is if you have a really close relationship. But with a lot of our clients, they got closer to the grandparents in their life, or the loved ones in their life, because they were able to bring the relationships to a whole new level. So even if you're not super tight, that's okay. It doesn't mean that you can't check in and offer support.

Offering financial support for therapy and more

Another thing that a lot of parents need is financial support. We help our clients plan for postpartum before their baby arrives. And we have a little toolkit to help plan for sleep, feeding, household help. And there’s a place to write down the names of therapists that take their insurance, and maybe even make an appointment ahead of time. The reason we encourage that is because, obviously, when you have a newborn is the worst time to be researching who is accepting new clients, leaving messages, who takes your insurance. A lot of time you're paying out of pocket, which is something grandparents who have the means to do so can help with.

Of course, it should be no strings attached! Offer to pay but don't bring up the therapy after the fact. Paying for therapy does not mean you get a report card of how every session went.

DeeDee: There are so many things that grandparents can provide the financial support for. If you are a grandparent who lives far away, that's an even better use of your money than sending gifts. Paying for that housekeeper, paying for somebody to mow the lawn so that weekends aren't spent out taking care of the yard. (Click here to learn 10 Ways to Help New Parents.)

A lot of parents in our communities brought up that that the help with those daily tasks and household chores can be huge. But there's a caveat there, too. Not all of them want the same help.  There were parents who said, “Oh, just come do my laundry!” and others who said, “Don't touch my laundry!” So you've got to find out what they are comfortable with. It's very different for every parent. Some say, “just hold the baby, so I can take a shower” some will say, “Come and help me with the laundry. But let me hold the baby.” “Don't walk out of the room with the baby, because that makes my anxiety higher.” “Would you just take the baby in another room so I can sleep?”

It's so individual and, there's no way to know—and there's no way for them to know in advance what they're going to be comfortable with. So as much as it helps to have the conversation before the baby comes, you need to be open to that changing. You need to be flexible and understand that no first-time parent has any idea what they're really going to want and need until they're in it.

Open lines of communication early

Candy: That's a great point. And that conversation, sort of prenatally and before the baby arrives really should be setting the stage for opening lines of communication. If I noticed that you don't seem like yourself, what would you like me to do? And the answers can vary. It can be “I don't think I can handle you telling me that directly—talk to my spouse.” or “A phrase that would really speak to me it would be ‘Hey, I'm here for you.’”

And you also brought up another great point, pertaining to anxiety. We see really, really commonly that it can cause a real friction point with our loved ones. Being on the receiving end of a parent saying, “I don't want that baby out of my sight,” when you're a loving grandparent who raised three kids in your own right, it feels hurtful.

Understanding and respecting parents’ anxiety is key

Anxiety can, give you this feeling of “I have to control my environment.” That Mama Bear/Papa Bear instinct is in overdrive. Feeling like you don't want to let your baby out of your sight, or “No, I don't want to take a nap. I want to make sure everything's okay.” Or being hyper vigilant about how the baby's held or how their diaper has changed, or whether they're given a pacifier—that can feel to a loved one like you’re sort of micromanaging them. And a grandparent who has bothered to do their research, and is up to date on the latest safety protocols, you've done all this work, and then you can't even take the baby to the next room—that can feel personal. But it's not! And that's a really common way that postpartum anxiety manifests. So it’s important to leave your ego at the door and say, “Okay, show me what you would like me to do.”

DeeDee: Absolutely. That can be hard for a lot of grandparents. Parents today are very sure about their boundaries, they are very confident about what they want to do as parents, yet at the same time, they're very, very anxious. When grandparents are told it’s important that they don't kiss the baby or that they wash their hands every time they walk in the door, it’s not always about that rule. It goes a lot deeper than that.

It's important that even if you don't understand why those boundaries are so strict or why they're so important to parents, you just have to go with it and accept that that's what the parent wants and needs right now from you. Things will change as they get more confident.

What you can do is build their confidence. The best way to do that is following those boundaries, acknowledging that they're doing a great job and validating what they're feeling.

Setting the stage for a lifelong relationship

Candy: That's absolutely right. If I could give just one message to loved ones, I would say that how you are treated, and the interactions you have in those first few weeks of your baby's life, it's like they imprint on you, and you do not forget them. So it's almost like an investment in the bank of your relationship to follow along with even things that you think are a little silly or whatever. It's so important, because, as you said, you're setting the stage for a lifelong relationship.

You mention this in a lot of your work: the baby's not going to remember those first six weeks or which grandparent was the first one to come visit. But the parents will remember people who show up uninvited, people who push boundaries, all those things. It's sometimes really hard to move past. Although our focus today is on mental health struggles, I think this is just sort of wisdom for anybody who is part of a family that's welcoming a new baby.

DeeDee: One of the biggest things that I tried to get across to grandparents is just that: check your ego. It's not about your experience as a grandparent. That's not what's important, especially in those early days. It's how you show up for parents, how you support them as a family. If you're focusing on the parents, and what you can do for them, your relationship with that grandchild is going to be so much stronger. So one of the important things to do is to help them in those early days, when the struggles are at their peak.

Candy: Grandparents, for the most part, are really going in with the best of intentions. The parents we work with really love and appreciate and welcome the support. We know that for most families, the goal is to be helpful. We do really appreciate the grandparents, even if in the moment, as you're trying to figure things out, you might not even realize how wonderful it is. Looking back, you think “Oh, how would I have made it through?” So whether we always can verbalize it or not, we do appreciate it. We appreciate the good intentions.

Most of all, we appreciate flexibility and feeling like we can be honest about how we're feeling.

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This transcript has been edited for clarity and length. You can hear the full conversation by clicking on the audio player.