Do you have a grandchild on the way? Are you hoping to be there for his or her birth, either in the delivery room or the waiting room? Whether it’s a hospital, birth center or home birth, grandparents may be welcomed—or they may not. If you want to be there, it’s important to find out if parents want you there. Asking about parents’ plans for their baby’s birth is actually the first question in the Partnering with Parents section of New Grandparent Essentials, because it sets the stage for your entire future relationship.

Are You Invited?

Parents will nearly always extend an invitation if they want you there. If you haven’t been asked, it’s usually safe to assume that they’d rather you wait at home during the birth. Keep in mind that it’s the birthing parent who gets to call the shots on this. If that’s your daughter-in-law, don’t let your own child invite you. You’ll want to hear it from the pregnant mother herself.

If that invitation never comes and you haven’t completed New Grandparent Essentials, it’s likely that parents do not want you there. If you are really hoping to be on hand, there is no harm in asking, but be prepared for disappointment.

If You Are NOT Invited to Your Grandchild’s Birth

This should go without saying, but parent’s stories make it clear that some grandparents need to hear it: First and foremost, don’t just show up and explain that you were too excited to stay away. Intruding on someone else’s birth is disrespectful and selfish. As one commenter on Instagram said, birth is not a spectator sport! It’s a sacred, vulnerable time for new parents and they don’t need the stress of uninvited visitors.

Even showing up at the hospital to wait for news can be disruptive. Parents shouldn’t have to focus on anything but the event at hand. Often knowing that there is an eager audience waiting to burst through the doors will interrupt that focus. Ashley Brichter, a childbirth educator, doula and founder of Birthsmarter explains: “Since oxytocin - the trust and safety hormone - is primarily responsible for causing uterine contractions, ANYTHING that makes the person giving birth stressed or worried is going to hinder the process. So for some people, even having visitors in the waiting room can be counterproductive.”

This can be hard. Becoming a grandparent is one of life’s most exciting events. Just remember, you become a grandparent whether you are there for the baby’s birth or not. The moment you meet your grandchild will be equally thrilling whether he or she is minutes, weeks, months, or even years old! And whatever you do, don’t hold a grudge over not being included. While you may feel slighted that you don’t get to participate in your child’s big moment, keep in mind that they are all grown up now, and it’s not unusual for them to put their new family ahead of their parents’ wishes.

If You ARE Invited to Your Grandchild’s Birth

Some birthing parents welcome the company of a mother or mother-in-law—or both. Some families are eager to share this moment with all of their loved ones. If you are fortunate enough to be asked to be present for the birth, it’s still important to be aware that you are playing a supporting role.

Ask parents ahead of time what they’d like you to do during different stages of labor. Do they want you to actively participate in coaching, or just spell a partner if needed? Would they like you to fade into the background, or be within hand-holding reach? What about taking pictures? While you may want to record the moment, many parents want picture-taking saved for after the birth. Most of all, be prepared for parents to change their mind as the birth process unfolds. No one can truly know what they will want during an experience they’ve never had before!

It’s also helpful to educate yourself. The routines of a hospital birth have changed since you had your babies (and frankly, you probably don’t remember them clearly, anyway!). Wherever your grandchild is going to be delivered, take time to research the rules and processes in place. Learn about things like skin-to-skin contact so you know what is happening during and after the birth. If the hospital or birth center offers grandparent classes or tours, take one. Being a prepared grandparent takes a little effort, but it well worth it in the end.

Whether or not you are there to witness it, your grandchild’s birth is the beginning of your life as a grandparent. Being able to put parents’ wishes ahead of your own starts here and now. Supporting and respecting parents during the birth is critical if you hope to be welcomed into your grandchild’s life.

Want to really be prepared to be a supportive grandparent? Check out New Grandparent Essentials.

Were you there for your grandchild’s birth? Share your experience in the comments!