Cathy was worried about her grandson. At almost two-and-a-half years old, his speech was limited and hard to understand. She wanted to suggest that her son and daughter-in-law consult a speech therapist or other professional, but she knew it could be a difficult conversation. Those competing worries made it hard for her to decide what to do.

As a grandparent, it’s natural to worry about your grandkids. A grandparent’s unique perspective, experience, and intuition can help you recognize when something may be amiss. But if you suspect that your grandchild may have a disability or developmental delay, it can be challenging to decide how to broach the subject with parents. In this blog, we’ll explore how to communicate with your adult child when you suspect your grandchild has a disability or developmental delay. We’ll also share tips on next steps, enlisting professionals, and where to get help.

Choose the Right Time

When raising the subject of your grandchild's potential disability with your adult child, it's essential to choose the right time and place. Here are some things to consider:

• Setting: Find a quiet, comfortable space where you can have an open and honest conversation without interruption. Go for a walk, or meet at a coffee shop.

• Availability: Ensure that both you and your adult child have enough time to discuss the matter thoroughly. Avoid rushing the conversation.

• Timing: Avoid discussing sensitive topics during moments of tension or stress. A relaxed atmosphere encourages open dialogue.

Begin with Kindness and Sincerity

When talking about your concerns, begin your conversation with an assurance that you aren’t doubting their parenting skills. While the subject may be a heavy one, approach the conversation with a positive and supportive tone.

• Express love and understanding: Express your deep love for both your grandchild and your adult child. Reiterate your support.

• Acknowledge feelings: Let your adult child know that you recognize their emotions and you're there to support them, regardless of the outcome. Understand the possibility of having a delay or disability may bring up stress, childhood trauma, grief, and loss. All these emotions are normal, and you can begin your support by holding space for them.

• Avoid blame or judgment: The last thing your child wants to hear is blame or judgement. Your child needs your support. Period. Focus on warmth and comfort instead of criticism.

Share Your Observations

In a non-confrontational manner, share your observations about your grandchild without adding subjective comments. Describe what you’re seeing in performance terms: what are they doing, and under what conditions do you see it. For example, say “John leaves the table three or four times during meals” instead of “John can’t sit still.” Use your grandchild’s name often when speaking. Use “we” and “us” instead of “you” or “I”.

• Avoid inflammatory words like “what’s wrong”, “lazy”, and “stupid”. Avoid diagnostic assumptions, such as “they look Autistic” or “He’s like his dad, so he must have ADHD.”

• Bring up any previous comments from your adult child indicating their concerns or suspicions of a disability. This will validate any worries they may have.

• Invite your adult child to share their thoughts. Ask if they see any differences when your grandchild is with other children, such as relatives or siblings. Listen to understand and keep questions to a minimum.  Now is not the time to teach your adult child a lesson or bring up painful memories from the past.

What’s Next

Tell your child you are committed to supporting them, no matter the outcome. Offer to help them find resources and options to help them navigate determining if their child does have a developmental delay or disability.

• Professional help: Ask your adult child if their pediatrician, school, or daycare, have mentioned support. Contrary to popular belief, many childhood pediatricians are not clinically trained to diagnose developmental or behavioral disabilities. If your adult child enlists your help, you can jointly search for clinical psychologists, neurodevelopmental pediatricians, therapists, and experts in the disability and/or area your grandchild may need.

• Support groups: If your child expresses a need for help, offer to help research local services, support groups, and educational resources that would benefit your grandchild and their parents. There are a wide variety of non-profit caregiving support groups available for families and loved ones. We are Brave Together provides respite, community, and resources for mothers caring for children of any age with disabilities or unique needs.

Enlisting School Support

As your grandchild approaches school age, working with educators becomes essential. Beginning at age three, public schools are mandated to provide a Free Appropriate Public Education to students with disabilities through the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA). Public schools offer comprehensive special education assessments free of change to determine if a child needs an Individual Education Plan (IEP). In addition, public schools may offer 504 Plans through Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act. IDEA mandates schools search and serve students who have, or may have, a disability. To learn more about these terms and more, download the 6 Pillars of IDEA from Rise Educational Advocacy and Consulting.

Respect Parents’ Decisions

While you may offer suggestions and support, it's important to respect your adult child's choices as a parent. Ultimately, they are in charge of their child's care.

• Trust their judgment: Acknowledge that your adult child knows their child best. Trust their judgment when it comes to making decisions.

• Provide encouragement: Offer encouragement and support for the choices your adult child makes regarding interventions, therapies, IEP or 504 Plans.

• Be patient: Understand that the process of accepting and addressing a disability can be difficult and lonely. Your child will need your emotional support just as much as your grandchild. Take it one day at a time.

Communicating with your adult child when you suspect your grandchild has a developmental delay or disability requires understanding, sensitivity, and open dialogue. Your role as a grandparent is not just to express your concerns. It’s also to provide support and resources to help your adult child and grandchild through this journey.

Remember that the ultimate goal is to ensure the best possible outcome for your grandchild. By approaching the situation with love, understanding, and collaboration, you can contribute significantly to your grandchild’s well-being and development.

April is the founder of  Rise Educational Advocacy and Consulting, LLC. She spent over 20 years as an elementary school teacher and school psychologist in Los Angeles before starting Rise. April is a Licensed Educational Psychologist (LEP) and Board Certified Special Education Advocate, BCEA, Fellow. She attended the prestigious Council of Parent Attorneys and Advocates (COPAA) SEAT 2.0 and 3.0 programs. April is a Certified Autism Spectrum Disorder Clinical Specialist (CASDCS) and Master IEP Coach©️. Services include parent advocacy and IEP coaching, 504 Guides, and Do It Yourself IEP Kits. Get started with a FREE consultation and follow us on Instagram.