Welcome to Grand Advice, where we answer questions from real grandparents. Today’s answer comes from Cynthia Kane, Founder, of It's Their Turn: Wisdom for Grandparents.

My mother wants to help babysit but she's not in good physical shape. I'm scared to leave my baby with her, but she's the only family we have in the area and we could use the help.

Thanks for reaching out to Grand Advice with this tricky question. You are fortunate indeed to have your mother nearby as you jump into the exciting and challenging world known as Parenthood.  It sounds like your mother is one of those special grandmothers who really wants to contribute to the family by providing childcare, and yet she just might have forgotten what a physical task this can be.  As you think about this, you will want to consider a number of different factors:  your childcare needs, the safety of your baby, and your mother’s feelings.  

Let’s think this through together:

1. What are your childcare needs at the moment? Are you looking for occasional help in the evenings and weekends so that you and your partner can get a bit of a break? Or do you need regular childcare to cover set work hours? Do your work hours and your partner’s hours overlap with the time that your mother would be on duty? Is there anyone else locally who is able to provide emergency back-up to your mom when she is alone with the baby? Are there any funds available to pay for childcare, or is your mother your only option?

2. Babies’ needs change so rapidly that keeping up with exactly what they need in terms of care and safety can be a big job. Are you currently breast feeding, bottle feeding, or is your baby taking solid foods? How active is your child: is the baby sleeping much of the day and a pre-crawler, or has your child become a fast-moving toddler? Does your baby have a set schedule? Are there any special needs such as medications, allergies, etc.? Is your home baby-proofed?

3. Has your mother specifically stated what she would like to do in terms of childcare? Is it possible she is wanting some regular cuddle time with her grandchild, and she feels that offering childcare is her best chance for that? Does your mother have a realistic view of her physical limitations? Can your mother safely lift a growing baby and transport the child to a crib or highchair? How familiar is your mother with up-to-date, pediatrician-approved child safety guidelines for babies?

It sounds like your baby might be the first grandchild for your mother, and although she might have wished that this stage came when she was younger and more robust, she still has a great deal of mental energy and love to share with you all.  In return, I hear that your love and respect for her has made you very conscious about not hurting her feelings by telling her she’s not up for the job at this time. The mutual care and respect that you are all showing for each other is very promising, and means that this is surely something that can be addressed to everyone’s satisfaction.

Steps you can take now 

1. Open up a line of communication with your mother. Ask your mother specifically what she wants to do for and with the baby, and be open to what she has to say. Ask her whether she has any concerns about being alone with the baby now, and whether she thinks that there are limits to what she can safely do with the baby. By asking her to self-assess her capabilities, you can get a good idea about whether she is being realistic. It may be that when she says she wants to babysit, she really means that she has longed-for images in her mind of rocking a sleepy, sweet-smelling baby in her arms, gazing down at the precious face as she gives the baby a bottle, and singing lullabies to her grandchild as the baby peacefully falls asleep. Those moments are priceless indeed, but also limited, as new parents know. If these are the experiences that your mother is seeking, there are many ways to make sure she has them when you are present.

2. Think about extra support for when your mother is babysitting. If your mother feels very strongly that she wants to babysit for you, consider how to ensure your baby’s safety. You may want to ask her to take a child-safety course through the Red Cross or other organization. You may need to find a little support system for her during her babysitting hours. Tell her that sometimes mother’s helper could use a mother’s helper! Would it be possible for your mother to subsidize an extra set of hands while she is on duty? If funds are limited, maybe there is a young student in the neighborhood who would join her when she is at your home on her own with the baby. Young people sometimes will work in return for other benefits you can offer that are not-monetary. Can you think of anything special that you could offer a young person such as time away from their home in your TV room with movies and great snacks, or a fun trip you could take them along on over a weekend? Are you a member of your local zoo or art museum, or do you have season tickets to sports events or other performances that you could share? Perhaps there is enough in the budget to offer a restaurant gift certificate, or Amazon gift card? Not everyone must be paid in cash.

3. Spell out for your mother what would be most helpful for you. Your mother wants to be there for her family. She wants to feel valued and to be a contributor to the family’s well-being. She wants to be close to and to know her grandchild and ensure that her grandchild knows her. Tell her that what you value most about her is not her childcare services, but rather her advice, her support, her wisdom, her companionship, and her love. Tell your mother that when she is with all of you, she is right where she belongs. Tell her what you want your child to know about her. Grandmothers have many roles, and often the contributions that means the most to young parents are the emotional support and praise that they provide. If you really do need help with a little babysitting, and you only trust your mom, find a little assistance for her that allows her to feel helpful and keeps the baby safe. You can describe this plan as a way to keep her caring for the baby over a longer period (perhaps years) and that you don’t want to exhaust her or take advantage of her time. 

It’s evident that you and your mother have the same goals: a close-knit, loving, multigenerational family where everyone has a valuable role. Your sensitivity around your mother’s physical limitations is admirable, as is her desire to help your family now that it includes a baby. Your primary goal must be your baby’s safety now, and as the baby grows into an active toddler. With a little creativity, along with your mutual love and respect, your mother can find a rewarding role as a caregiving grandmother.

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Cynthia Kane is a board-certified, licensed genetic counselor with 25 years of clinical experience. A grandmother, Cynthia has a certificate in Grandfamily Leadership and is the founder of It’s Their Turn, which provides counseling, support, and education for grandparents. Grandparent Meet-Ups are forming now. Cynthia can be reached at cynthia@itstheirturn.com