What Grandparents Need to Know About Discipline
Carol and her husband, Steve, were exhausted after a weekend visit with their grandchildren. “I know children are full of energy!” Carol said. “I didn’t expect them to sit quietly all day, but what I wasn’t prepared for was how much their parents let them get away with. There didn’t seem to be any boundaries at all!”
Steve chimed in at this point. “Our daughter-in-law is quite liberal and she’s more worried about their feelings than their behavior. I told our grandson, who’s five, to go to his room after he was rude to his grandmother, and our daughter-in-law looked at me like I had suggested chopping off his hand. Someone needs to teach these kids right from wrong!”
Carol and Steve aren’t alone: almost 80% of grandparents surveyed by the AARP in 2018 agreed that parents today are too lax and that their children aren’t well-disciplined. Unfortunately, grandparents aren’t just silently shaking their heads: matters of discipline are cited as the leading reason for disagreements between parents and grandparents.
Why Discipline Is a Source of Conflict Between Parents and Grandparents
Conflict is normal when you have differing points of view. Grandparents most often draw upon their own experience as parents, and expect their grandchildren to be disciplined in the same way their children were. Their children, however, are parenting in a different age. Current child rearing guidelines and cultural norms have changed, and discipline has changed with it. When grandparents don’t understand the philosophies behind parents’ approach, it’s easy to see that approach as less than ideal. Meanwhile, parents are understandably reluctant to have grandparents interfere.
How Child Discipline Has Changed Over the Years
Today’s parents have very different philosophies about discipline than parents of 20-30 years ago. In the past, discipline often focused on punishment and control, with less emphasis on understanding the child's emotional and psychological development. Spanking, time outs, and consequences were all regularly used as ways to discipline a child.
The rise of methods like gentle parenting have led to a widespread practice of focusing on a child’s emotional growth over strict conformance to parent authority. Modern parents recognize the importance of positive discipline, promoting empathy, communication, and teaching moments. They work to understand and guide their children's behavior rather than resorting to rewards and punishments.
Effective Methods of Discipline Today
Today's parents embrace various methods of discipline that prioritize teaching and connection. Instead of focusing on children’s behavior, parents focus on their emotions and helping children to learn to regulate themselves. The idea is that by being gentle when a child is angry, frustrated, or acting out, parents are modeling tolerance and flexibility and teaching them how to be well-adjusted humans. Boundaries are still enforced, but done in a way that doesn’t shame or punish the child. If you haven’t read our post, What Grandparents Need to Know About Popular Parenting Methods, you should read it now.
How Grandparents Should Handle It When Their Grandchild Misbehaves
So what’s a grandparent to do when a child is being rude, acting out, or otherwise in need of the proverbial trip to the woodshed? For most of is, the answer is simple: sit back and let the parent handle it. While it can be challenging to resist the temptation to intervene, allowing parents to address the misbehavior helps them maintain consistency and shows you respect their ability and authority as parents. Parents need grandparents to show support, not undermine their parenting efforts by interfering.
However, if you regularly provide child care for your grandchild, the issue can be thornier. In this case, it’s important to have a productive conversation about discipline methods and how to handle misbehavior. While your daughter may have the strength and patience to handle tantrums one way, you may not be willing or able to do the same. Only by communicating will you be able to work through potential conflicts and find a solution.
Whether the conflicts between parents and grandparents are about discipline, feeding, screentime, or any other hot topic, the best way to resolve them is through open, respectful conversations. Grandparents can take the lead by educating themselves about modern parenting methods, and showing genuine curiosity rather than judgement when they don’t understand why parents are doing something different.
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