Marilyn hadn’t seen her granddaughter in six months. “I was so eager to scoop her up and plant kisses all over that chubby face!” she told me. “But as soon as I got there, my son told me I couldn’t hug her until she gave me permission. I was floored! Since when do grandmothers need the permission of a toddler to show them how much they love them?”

Welcome to another new parenting practice: teaching body autonomy, also called bodily autonomy. If your grandchild’s parents have requested that you ask for permission before hugging or kissing your grandchild, you are aware of the trend. It may seem like a way for parents to try to impose silly rules, but they’ve got extremely good reasons for this request. (Check out Trends in Parenting in our shop to learn about other current parenting practices.)

Body autonomy is the idea that each person has a right to decide what happens to their body without pressure or persuasion from anyone else. It’s important that children be taught to understand this concept from the earliest age.

Why is body autonomy important for children?

Parents want you to help their child learn that they have the power over their body because a child who feels in control of their body:

• is less likely to become a victim of sexual abuse or sexual assault.

• is less likely to become a victim of intimate partner violence later in life.

• Is more likely to share any abuse or violation that may happen to them.

The sexual abuse of children is a difficult subject to talk about. We all hope (and assume) it won’t happen to our loved ones. The reality is that it happens with alarming frequency. According to a 2014 study, one in every three females and one in every 20 males will experience unwanted sexual contact by the time they turn 18. Sadly, in the majority of cases, the assailant is someone the child knows and trusts.*   Teaching children that they can refuse physical touch is a powerful way to protect them.

While grandparents should be the greatest advocates for our grandchildren learning about bodily autonomy, we are often among the greatest offenders. We swoop in for the hug, insist on the kiss, hold them tight when they try to squirm away. Whether we see them daily or once a year, we crave their affection and expect them to return the physical displays of our love for them. In doing so, we are teaching them that they must yield their bodies to other people’s requests.

We teach them in other ways, too. We say “Give your sister a hug to say you’re sorry” or “It’s okay, he just keeps poking you to get your attention.” In ways big and small, we are repeatedly telling them that they don’t have the ability or the right to make choices about their own bodies.

Once Marilyn’s son explained the reasons behind his seemingly crazy request, she was happy to comply. “It all made sense once he educated me!” And while her granddaughter did not want hugs for the first two days of her visit, by the third day she was running to Marilyn for affection all day long. “It was hard to wait for her to warm up to me, but if it will keep her safe as she grows up, I’m so glad I did.”

How to teach body autonomy to children

The idea that we should ask for a child’s consent before hugging, kissing, or touching of any kind is very different from past generations. If you’ve read this far, you’ll agree that the reasons for the rise of this trend is compelling. But practically, how do you handle it?

When your grandchild is a baby, it’s the parents whose permission you need. A grandchild is not a possession that you have a claim on. Always ask parents before picking up, holding, or kissing their baby. Some parents may be uncomfortable with anyone else changing their baby’s diaper or giving them a bath.  Parents are more fearful about potential dangers to their babies than in past generations, and it’s important for grandparents not to brush that aside.

Once a child is verbal and self-aware, ask them. If you’ve been asking parents for permission up to now, you’ll be quick to remember to ask before you hug your grandkids. If this is new to you, it may take awhile to get in the habit. Like anything, keep practicing until it become second nature.

How to ask a child for permission to touch them

Ask questions like these:

• Can Grandma give you a hug?

• Would you like to sit on my lap while I read to you?

• May I give you a goodbye kiss?

• Can I have a hug or a high five?

Don’t let your disappointment show if the answer is no. It’s cause for celebration if your grandchild feels comfortable refusing a request from an adult for physical affection.

Today’s parents have far more information at their fingertips than past generations of parents did. To really support parents as they raise our grandkids, it’s important to keep up to date on what’s new. We cover many of the latest parenting practices in Trends in Parenting, which you can find in our shop. Still, the best way to make sure you are aware of the parenting practices that matter to your adult children is to ask them.

 *Finkelhor, D., Shattuck, A., Turner, H. A., & Hamby, S. L. (2014). The lifetime prevalence of child sexual abuse and sexual assault assessed in late adolescence. Journal of Adolescent Health, 55(3), 329-333.