It can be hard to balance your excitement as a new grandparent with the needs of exhausted parents when welcoming your first grandchild. Read on for tips on supportive grandparenting.

Suzanne hated the days she had to work and didn’t have time to stop by and see her first grandchild. When he was about three weeks old, she got home from work and realized that her daughter, Melissa, hadn’t sent any new photos of the baby that day. She sent off a quick text asking for an update. When she hadn’t heard back by dinner time, she sent another message–just in case her daughter had missed the first one. 

When that second message arrived, Melissa stared at her phone, feeling a mix of guilt and frustration. "I love that Mom is so excited about her first grandchild," she thought, "but I barely have time to breathe, let alone make sure the grandparents get photos every day." Between the constant requests for photos, surprise visits, and well-meaning but often outdated advice, Melissa was beginning to feel that her mom’s enthusiasm was adding to her new-mom stress rather than alleviating it.

As grandparents, our love for our grandchildren is endless. So is our excitement! We want to be involved and to shower them with affection. We also want to support our adult children as they navigate the challenges of new parenthood. But there's a fine line between being supportive and unintentionally adding to the stress of new parents. So how can we balance our enthusiasm over our first grandchild with the needs of exhausted new parents?

Becoming a parent is a joyous but hard experience. There’s a steep learning curve in caring for a newborn, plus the emotional adjustment to their new role. Throw in severe sleep deprivation and the physical recovery from childbirth, and new parents have very little emotional stamina. 

Because of this, even well-meaning requests from grandparents can feel like overwhelming demands. Parents’ reactions to these requests will vary. They may ignore them, be annoyed by them, become resentful, lash out, or become increasingly anxious. In the end, the only thing that will really help is for grandparents to back off.

When we asked them, parents listed the following as the little things that made life with a new baby harder. Are you inadvertently making any of these mistakes?

• Frequent requests for photos and updates

• Unannounced, overly frequent, or overly long visits

• Expectations for immediate responses to messages

• Unsolicited advice or opinions

• Expectations for being included

While these actions come from a place of love, they can add pressure to already stressed new parents. As much as you want to be a part of your first grandchild's life, the fact is that there will be times you don’t get to be. It’s not because you aren’t important to your grandchild’s parents. It’s because they have more than they can handle right now, and updating Grandma is not their priority. Nor should it be!

When we become grandparents, we have to accept that we aren’t going to be intimately involved in every aspect of our grandchild’s life. Our adult children should be focusing on their family’s well-being, not on our “grandparent experience”. This doesn’t lessen our importance as grandparents.

We can love our grandchild without getting a picture of every precious moment. We can bond with our grandchild without getting a play-by-play of every day. We can be adored grandparents without being included in every event or outing. 

One young mom shared this story with us:

“We made a point of inviting the local grandparents over at least twice a month–sometimes every week. They weren’t happy with that, and were constantly texting demands for more visits. It got to the point where we couldn’t mention that we’d taken the baby to the park, because it would end with Grandma saying, ‘You know I would have enjoyed that. Why didn’t you think to call me?’ She finally accused us of excluding her from the newborn experience.”

Remember, your adult children aren’t trying to deny you anything. They just don’t have the bandwidth to supply you as much involvement as you crave. Focus on the quality of your interactions rather than the quantity. You can find joy in being a supportive, undemanding presence. One of the best gifts grandparents can give their family is space. 

Open, honest communication is key to navigating this new stage of family life. Encourage a dialogue about expectations and boundaries. Remember, it's not about restricting your involvement, but finding a way to be supportive that works for everyone.

Have you talked with your adult children about their needs and expectations? If not, consider being the one to start the conversation. Remember, it's not about being less involved, but about being involved in a way that truly supports and strengthens your family bonds.

Try saying something like, "I'm so excited about the arrival of my first grandchild, and I want to be involved in a way that's helpful to you. Can we talk about what that might look like?" The Partnering with Parents section of New Grandparent Essentials is full of tips for having this important conversation. Click here to learn more about this helpful resource.

Here are a few proven methods of being involved and supportive without stressing parents out:

1. Set up a schedule for updates that works for everyone. Maybe it's a weekly video call or a bi-weekly photo share.

2. Use technology effectively. Shared photo albums allow parents to upload pictures when convenient, without the pressure of immediate sharing.

3. Before giving advice, ask if parents want it. Sharing how you did things isn’t helpful if it goes against current best practices or parents’ philosophies. 

4. Offer support in ways that truly help. Instead of asking, "What can I do?", try offering specific help: "I'd love to bring over a home-cooked meal this week. Would Tuesday work for you?"

5. Respect parents' decisions and parenting styles without judgement, even if they differ from your own.

By respecting boundaries now, you're laying the groundwork for a stronger, more positive relationship in the future. A stress-free relationship between grandparents and parents benefits everyone, especially the grandchildren.

Suzanne and Melissa were fortunate: they were able to talk to one another without anyone feeling attacked. “We had an honest conversation, and I realized I was adding to Melissa’s stress rather than easing it. We agreed on a schedule that worked for both of us – a weekly video call and a visit every other week. Now, our time together is more relaxed and enjoyable for everyone. I've learned that being a supportive grandparent sometimes means taking a step back."

Being a grandparent is one of life's greatest joys, but it’s one of those roles that doesn’t come with an instruction manual. It’s up to grandparents to educate ourselves when our first grandchild arrives, so that we can be truly valuable. By understanding the challenges new parents face, communicating openly, and finding ways to support that don't overwhelm, we can build strong, positive relationships that benefit the entire family.

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