If you're a grandparent, you know how important it is to have a great relationship with your grandchild's parents. For many grandparents, grandmothers especially, the relationship with your daughter-in-law can be a bit tricky. The truth, though, is that it’s a relationship that is pivotal to your experience as a grandparent. The better that relationship is, the more involved you’ll be able to be in your grandchild’s life.  

So how do you go about creating a warm, solid relationship with your daughter-in-law? What do you do if you think your daughter-in-law doesn’t like you? How do you handle it when you feel your daughter-in-law doesn’t want a relationship with you? What do you do when your daughter-in-law is mean or difficult to get along with?

No matter what your situation, it’s worth trying some of the suggestions I’m about to share. Even if you already have a great relationship with your daughter-in-law, you’ll want to keep reading for ways to make it even better.

Embrace the relationship

First, make sure to establish a relationship with your daughter-in-law that is separate from your relationship with your child. This means treating her as a person in her own right and not just as your child's partner. This may take a bit of a mind shift, but here’s an easy way to start: If you always introduce her as "Matthew's wife," then it's a sign that you haven't really taken ownership of your relationship with her. Instead, refer to her as your daughter-in-law and try to create a relationship with her that is independent of her relationship with your child or grandchild.

Find out what she likes

Next take time to get to know her better. You may think you know her already, but it's crucial to learn more about her. Start small: ask her about her favorite things with our Cheat Sheet for Delighting. This will help you find out things like her favorite scents, movies, stores, and beverages. Just asking her to fill it out will show that you care about her. Click here to download a copy now.

You’ll then have the information you need to surprise her with little things she loves, such as having her favorite cookies when she comes to visit or arriving at her house with her go-to Starbucks order. Paying attention to details like this, and giving your daughter-in-law gifts to show you are thinking of her, is a great way to strengthen your relationship.

Show a genuine interest in her life

Next, make sure you work to get to know her better beyond the more trivial details you’ll get with the cheat sheet. How much do you know about her upbringing, her career, her plans for the future? You don’t need to ask deeply personal questions to show that you are interested. Instead, ask questions like, “What was your first job?” or “What’s your dream vacation destination?” Then listen carefully to her answers, and ask follow up questions that show you were listening. (Read our post on active listening for more tips!)

For more question ideas, I highly recommend the book The Essential Questions by Elizabeth Keating. Though it’s designed to get to know more about your parents and grandparents, the questions it includes are perfect for getting to know anyone better. The book contains questions that go beyond basic questions like "where did you grow up?" to more in-depth questions like "what was your room like when you were growing up?" Read more about the book or order a copy here.

When you ask questions that show you really want to get to know someone as a person, they're going to feel valued. And when they feel valued, they're going to value their relationship with you more. Taking the time to really get to know your daughter-in-law sends a signal that you want to have a good relationship with her. That will pay huge dividends in family harmony and your time with your grandchildren.

Establish healthy boundaries and respectful communication

Establishing boundaries is absolutely vital to creating a healthy, respectful relationship with your daughter-in-law. Discuss what kind of involvement you want to have in your grandchild's life, including how often you want to visit or babysit, what activities you want to do together, and what kind of support you can offer. By establishing boundaries, you can avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. If you need suggestions for the issues and topics to discuss, check out Partnering with Parents in our shop.

It's also important to remember that your daughter-in-law is her own person and may have different opinions and ways of doing things than you do. This can be especially true when it comes to parenting. It's important to respect her parenting decisions and not try to interfere or give unsolicited advice. If you do have concerns, approach the topic gently and respectfully. Remember that she is the parent, and you are the grandparent.

For example, instead of saying, "You shouldn't let the baby sleep in your bed," you could say, "I read an article about the risks of co-sleeping, is that something you worry about?" By approaching her this way, you're respecting her choices as a parent and offering information that she may not have considered. And if she still chooses to parent in a way that you disagree with, it's important to accept her decisions and continue to support her.

Open and respectful communication is the key to building a strong relationship with your daughter-in-law. And building a positive relationship with your daughter-in-law is crucial for the well-being of your grandchild. Your grandchild is watching how you interact with their parents and learning from your example. If there's tension or conflict between you and your daughter-in-law, it can cause stress and confusion for your grandchild.

The stakes can be high

If you don't have a relationship with your daughter-in-law separate from your relationship with your child, should that partnership ever fail, you may lose access to your grandchildren.

It’s a hard truth, but grandparent alienation occurs far too often when a marriage or partnership ends. If the daughter-in-law or son-in-law who has custody of the children does not have a good relationship with the grandparents on the other side, access to those children often just vanishes. Once that happens, there's very little that grandparents can do to reestablish it.

We know that our daughters-in-law are often either the bridge or the barrier to our relationship with our grandchildren. If you can do things to sway her towards being a bridge and not a barrier, you're going to find your relationship with your grandchildren is what really benefits.