Wondering how to give gifts your grandchildren will love—and their parents will, too? Learn the essential etiquette of giving presents to grandchildren that will make the whole family happy.

The message in my inbox caught me off guard. '“How can I tactfully let my kids know that the presents I buy for my grandchildren should stay at my house?” the grandmother wrote. “I spend a lot of money on these toys, and I want the children to have special things to play with when they visit.”

This message made me realize that perhaps we need to have an honest conversation about gift-giving etiquette for grandparents. Not because grandparents are intentionally doing anything wrong! But because sometimes, in our excitement about giving to our grandchildren, our judgment is clouded about what true giving means.

The truth is, there's no tactful way to tell parents that the 'gifts' you're giving their children are actually things you are buying for yourself. If you want them to have special toys to play with at your house, by all means, buy those things. Just don’t present them as a birthday or holiday gift. Think how you’d feel if someone gave you a gorgeous sweater or a new phone and told you that you could only use it when you were visiting her!

When we give a gift, especially to a child, it needs to be exactly that: a gift, freely given, with no strings attached.

A grandparent who gives graciously strengthens family bonds instead of straining them. To be that grandparent, we need to keep three things in mind: parents’ wishes, our own expectations, and basic etiquette. 

Things have changed since we raised our children. For one thing, it’s much easier to go overboard these days when we buy gifts for our grandkids. Not only is there more readily available merchandise being advertised to us at every turn, but much of it is relatively inexpensive. It’s easy to shop early and keep shopping–only to find we’ve bought way too many gifts by the time the holidays roll around.

At the same time, many of today's parents are taking a mindful approach to possessions. They are more conscious about what comes into their homes: Some parents don’t want toys made of plastic, or clothing made in factories that exploit workers.

Other parents are embracing minimalism, teaching their children about sustainability, or are simply faced with the practical challenges of limited space in their homes. Some parents are focused on educational value, wanting toys and gifts that align with their children's developmental stages. Many prioritize experiences over things, especially when they are concerned about how excessive gift-giving affects their children's values and behavior.

This isn't a criticism of generous grandparents – far from it! Showering our grandchildren with gifts is one way we express our love. But when we understand and respect our adult children’s values around gifts, we can channel our generosity in ways that truly support our families.

So how do you make sure you give gifts that your grandchild’s parents will appreciate? As always, the key is having an open conversation with parents before you start shopping. Ask them about their preferences for toys, clothes and other gifts. Find out if they’ve made a wish list. Be respectful if they want to be the one to buy their child’s first baby doll, or want Santa to have the glory of giving the most wanted gifts. 

“But isn’t going off a list taking the fun out of it?” you might wonder. Actually, following a provided list ensures your gifts will be truly appreciated and used. That’s far more fun than having them donated before your grandchild even plays with them. 

If you can’t resist the Black Friday deals and buy toys that aren’t on the list, check with parents if it’s something they’d rather not have. If they object, find an organization like Toys for Tots that collects toys for families without generous grandparents. You get the fun of shopping and the satisfaction of making Christmas special for another child, all while respecting your adult child’s wishes.

Let's start with the basic etiquette of gift giving: A gift, once given, belongs completely to the recipient. 

This means:

• Parents get to decide where and when gifts are used

• Parents can return, donate or discard gifts they don’t want to have in their home

• Parents can decide if they want to keep certain toys at grandma's house

• Grandparents shouldn’t ask for photos of children wearing outfits they’ve bought

• Grandparents shouldn’t check up on whether gifts are being used 'properly'

These guidelines might seem strict to some grandparents. After all, we might think, 'I spent my money on it, shouldn't I have some say?' But this mindset misses the true spirit of giving. When we attach conditions to our gifts, we're not really giving – we're attempting to control.

It’s also important to set a good example when you give the gift you’ve purchased. Don’t be disappointed if you don’t get the reaction you expect when you give something special. Avoid comparing siblings’ or cousins’ responses, and don’t push your grandchildren to immediately try on or use your gift. This will keep gift-opening occasions relaxed and enjoyable for everyone.

When parents have concerns about gifts, they often hesitate to speak up because they don't want to appear ungrateful.  If parents mention they're overwhelmed with toys or joke about how many gifts you’ve brought, they may be hinting they’d like you to cut back. Be receptive to feedback, and start the conversation about their expectations for gifts for your grandchild. 

As you have that conversation, remember that gift-giving is just one way we show love to our grandchildren. When we give freely, without conditions or expectations, we teach powerful lessons about generosity, respect, and the true nature of love. Our grandchildren will not remember every toy or outfit we give them, but they will remember how we act when we give them a gift. 

The greatest gift we can give our families is our support of their parenting journey and our unconditional love. When you approach gift-giving with this mindset, the gratitude you’ll get will last far longer than that for any physical present.

More importantly, you show your adult children that you respect their roles as parents and their decisions about their children's lives. This trust and respect is truly the most precious gift you can give – and it's one that will keep giving for generations to come.

Being more mindful about gift-giving doesn’t mean you never get to choose wonderful presents for your grandchildren when the occasion calls for it. That's why we've carefully curated our 2024 gift guides with a focus on parent-approved presents that support children's development and learning through play.

Each item in our holiday gift guides has been selected with consideration for:

• Age-appropriate development

• Quality and durability

• Play value

• Modern parenting preferences

Our gift guides can help you select presents that parents will appreciate and children will love, while staying true to the mindful giving principles we’ve discussed.

Visit our parent-approved gift guides to explore ideas that align with both your love for giving and your family's needs. Why not share the links with your grandchild’s parents and see what gifts they’d love to get?