Welcome to Grand Advice, where we answer questions from real grandparents. Today’s answer comes from Cynthia G. Kane, Founder, of It's Their Turn: Wisdom for Grandparents.

My husband and I have two young children. We wish the girls’ grandparents wanted to be more involved. My mother-in-law is very single-minded and has tunnel vision: she is always concerned about her house, her plans etc. After our daughter’s significant surgery this summer, she contacted me—not to ask about her grandchild’s recovery, but to borrow something. On the other side, my dad and his wife only want to be involved with the girls if they can be in control. Their house, their invite, (and preferably us not present). Our options seem to be continue having poor relationships and then make sure we do better as grandparents or try and squeeze a relationship out of nothing for our kids’ sakes. Any ideas? Thank you. 

Thanks for reaching out to Grand Advice. Your situation sounds very frustrating and disappointing. It’s great that you’re looking ahead to the kind of grandparents that you and your husband hope to be one day, but no doubt you’d like to improve your family life now.  

Let’s think this through together: 

1. You describe your mother-in-law as being single minded and with tunnel vision. It makes me wonder about how prepared—or unprepared—she was for becoming a grandparent? Were there any conversations before you had your first child about what role you and your husband hoped she would play in the grandchildren’s lives and your lives?  Has she ever been asked to tell you how she expected to integrate her role as grandmother into her personal life? Has she had a well-defined place in the family since she became a grandmother?  

2. After your daughter’s significant surgery, was your mother-in-law proactively kept up to date with your daughter’s progress? Was she ever asked to visit, prepare a meal, or perform some other task to support you as parents? If she felt out of the loop, she may have incorrectly believed that she should not intrude on your family’s privacy at this time, other than to ask a non-personal question. On the other hand, if she was asked to provide a lot of support to your other daughter during this period, perhaps she feels overburdened? This can easily happen with older adults even when the requests made of them seem quite minimal.  

3. As far as your father and step-mother, it may be another case of getting off to a poor start. When grandparents want time with grandchildren only when the parents are not present, this can signal a disconnect between parenting styles, and/or a struggle for dominance over the children. The grandparents may feel that either: a) your strict rules make visiting with the children and you unpleasant, and they feel they can’t take a step without being corrected or scolded OR b) the grandparents may believe that your parenting style is quite laissez-faire, and that it’s too chaotic for them unless they are in control of everything.  

Although there are surely many more layers to your relationship with the grandparents than you have described here, one thing is certain: you definitely do not have to accept a poor grandparent/parent/grandchild relationship for the remainder of your daughters’ childhoods. You can approach this issue with compassion for the elder family members, and respectfully negotiate a new family dynamic.  

Together with your husband, you can express to the grandparents that you’d like to press the RESET button for your family interactions, and that the new year is an ideal time to do this. You can present this as something you have read about online, or something your friends are all doing with their parents, or that it’s something a counselor has suggested for your girls, or something you have read about in a self-help book. However you decide to present it, make sure that you avoid sharing the sentiment that the grandparents have done anything wrong at all. It’s much easier to encourage people to make changes in their own behavior when the idea is de-personalized, and when it’s clear that everyone is going to make some changes and work toward a common goal.

Steps you can take now:

First, find a time when the adults can meet together while the girls are in bed. Tell the grandparents that you’ve decided that 2024 is a time when you, as parents, would like to make some improvements in how you communicate with all of the grandparents around issues that involve the granddaughters. Make sure they know that your goal is to help make every family member’s experience the best that it can be, and that you are very open to hearing the grandparents express their honest feelings.

Next, ask each grandparent:

• What are you enjoying most about how we are all relating as a family right now?

• What one thing would you like to see change, and please try to explain specifically how you believe that would improve our family life?

• Is there anything that we (you and your husband) can do to make their lives as grandparents more fulfilling?

Finally, allow time for you and your husband to share your own answers to the same questions. Let your parents know what you love about how they are with the grandchildren (think of a couple of specific memories or anecdotes to refer to), and choose one thing that you would change if you could. Try to drill down to learn whether you are either overburdening the parents with childcare requests, or if you tend to leave them out of important events in the girls’ lives. Ask why they prefer to have the girls on their own, and be open to what you hear. Check in to learn whether you are unknowingly initiating contact with the grandparents only when you need something from them. Be honest and ask yourself whether you are relating to your parents exclusively as grandparents, and if you may be neglecting to see them as people with their own lives and interests.

This kind of family meeting can be tough to initiate and can occasionally result in misunderstandings or hurt feelings. Be very scrupulous with how you word your thoughts and be a good listener. This will go a very long way toward making everyone feel safe and comfortable to share their feelings.

Ultimately, you are the girls’ parents and you do have the ultimate decision-making power about how you are raising them and in what settings they interact with their grandparents. For example, if you aren’t comfortable having them at your dad’s home without you, then you can make other visiting arrangements, and the grandparents can either accept or decline the visits.

Once everyone in the family has had the opportunity to share what’s on their mind without fear of being criticized or corrected, you have effectively pressed the family RESET button for the years ahead.

Do you have a question about grandparenting? Submit it here.

Cynthia G. Kane is a board-certified, licensed genetic counselor with 25 years of clinical experience. A grandmother, Cynthia has a certificate in Grandfamily Leadership and is the founder of It’s Their Turn, which provides counseling, support, and education for grandparents. Grandparent Meet-Ups are forming now. Cynthia can be reached at cynthia@itstheirturn.com