Worried about showing favoritism among your grandchildren? Learn practical ways to make each grandchild feel equally loved and valued, while creating traditions that work for your whole family.

When Patty got together with her grandma friends, she confided that she was worried. "I spend so much more time with my local grandchildren than the ones who live across the country. I'm afraid the distant ones won't feel as loved, but I don't know how to fix it."

Patty's not alone in her concern. Many grandparents worry about showing favoritism due to different circumstances with each grandchild. But should we worry?

Grandparents offer an unconditional love that can help our grandchildren feel secure and valued. When we make an effort to treat them fairly (notice I didn't say identically), we're not just building individual relationships. We're helping to strengthen the bonds between siblings and cousins. We’re also supporting our adult children in raising confident, emotionally secure little ones.

Children are remarkably perceptive about fairness, often noticing patterns we might not realize we're creating. What might seem like innocent grandparent favoritism to us can plant seeds of hurt that grow deeper over time. These early experiences shape not only their relationship with us but also their connections with their siblings and cousins and even their attitudes about family dynamics.

Rachel learned this lesson early, not as a grandparent, but as a grandchild. When her older sister graduated from high school, she received a top-of-the-line camera from her grandparents. When Rachel graduated, she was disappointed not to get a gift from them at all. When their next youngest sister was graduating two years later, the grandparents asked their father what they should get her for a gift. He told them to get her the same thing they had gotten Rachel. To the day they died, Rachel always felt like the grandchild who didn’t matter. 

Another thing: when we work to treat our grandchildren fairly, we're showing respect for all of our adult children as parents. This kind of thoughtful grandparenting creates an atmosphere of trust. Parents notice when we make an effort to be fair, and it can help them feel more comfortable about including us in their children's lives.

You know those wooden blocks your grandchildren play with? Each one is valuable in building a tower, even though they might be different colors or sizes. That's how we can think about our relationships with our grandchildren. Each one is unique, but equally important in building our family story.

Here's what avoiding grandparent favoritism looks like in practice:

• Before starting any tradition, ask yourself: "Could I maintain this for all my grandchildren?"

• Focus on creating moments of connection rather than elaborate plans

• Talk openly with your adult children about your desire to be fair

• Look for ways to make each grandchild feel special while keeping things manageable

Being fair isn't about counting minutes or dollars - it's about making sure each grandchild knows they have a special place in your heart. Sometimes that means sending a quick video message to a distant grandchild while spending time with local ones. Other times it means explaining to a local grandchild that you're setting aside time for a video call with their cousin.

Don’t forget to think ahead. Take Marci's experience, for example. When she had her first grandchild, she was tempted to start fancy traditions and buy expensive gifts for holidays. "I wanted to make every moment magical," she said. But after talking with friends who had multiple grandchildren, she rethought her plans. She realized she needed to make each grandchild feel special in a way that would be sustainable for grandchildren to come. 

The secret to making every grandchild feel like your favorite isn't about grand gestures or perfect equality. It's about consistent, thoughtful actions that show each child they matter to you. Here are some practical ways to achieve this:

• Create traditions that work across distances (like bedtime story calls)

• Keep celebrations and gifts comparable between siblings and cousins

• Document your time and attention to spot unintentional patterns of favoritism

• Plan ahead for how you'll include future grandchildren in your traditions

• Find unique ways to connect with each grandchild's interests while maintaining overall balance

Remember, playing favorites with grandchildren is often unintentional. Sometimes it creeps in through circumstances - like having local grandchildren we see more often, or sharing particular interests with one grandchild. The key isn't to feel guilty about these natural situations, but to actively look for ways to treat grandchildren equally.

Being a fair grandparent doesn't mean you can't have special moments with each grandchild. In fact, it's the opposite. When we are intentional about treating each grandchild like our favorite, we create space for connections that make each child feel loved. This approach helps build stronger family bonds and creates a legacy of love that benefits everyone.

The small choices we make today about how we treat our grandchildren shape our family's future. Taking time now to think about fairness and make conscious decisions about traditions, gifts, and attention can help prevent unintended hurt feelings down the road.

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