The messages are all around us.

Sweatshirts say “Grandparenting is a do-over”.

“Grandma’s house, Grandma’s rules” is on a sign to hang by the front door.

Social media posts are filled with comments about “spoiling them and sending them home”.

Grandparent memes proclaiming “Grandparents and grandchildren get along so well because they have a common enemy”.

By the time we become a grandparent, these catchphrases and clichés have soaked deeply into our brains. It’s easy to believe that spoiling grandchildren and breaking the rules is central to our role as a grandparent.

But all of these sayings about grandparents are leading grandparents down an unfortunate path. Instead of wisdom, we’re getting false advice that does nothing to encourage a warm, caring relationship with our grandchildren. In some cases, we’re getting slogans that actively damage our relationship with parents or even our grandchildren. Let’s look a little deeper at some of the quotes about grandparents.

Grandma’s house, Grandma’s rules

Why it’s a problem:

There are two ways to read this, and one could be getting you in trouble.

First, you do get to set rules about your house. You may insist that there is no jumping on beds at Grandma's. You may enforce a rule of no shoes in the house. You can require that everyone have clean hands and be fully clothed at the dinner table. You can designate where kids play and where they don’t, and what’s off limits.

But you don’t get to set the rules about the children when they are at your house. Parents get to decide whether a child has to take three bites before being excused from the dinner table. Parents set the rules around screen time, even at your house. Parents are in charge of whether the kids can play tag outside without supervision, no matter how safe you think your neighborhood is.

A wise grandparent will make sure to be clear about what rules are important to parents, and which are up for a little grandparent leeway. If the grandkids will be at your house, make sure to have a conversation around everyone’s rules to avoid the chance of misunderstandings.

Grandparents and grandchildren get along so well because they have a common enemy.

Why it’s a problem:

This was a clever line from a comic, not a bit of grandparenting wisdom. The problem with repeating it as a truism is that it contributes to the idea that parents and grandparents are working against one another, instead of working together. In the happiest families, grandparents and grandchildren get along so well because they have a common ally. Let’s stop using quotes about grandparents that reinforce the generational divide.

Grandparenting is a do-over

Why it’s a problem:

Saying that grandparenting is a do-over is like saying that college is a do-over of high school. It’s a whole new experience!

Yes, some of the skills you learned will still be applicable, but you can’t approach it in the same way. You’ll need new skills! Yes, you will have a chance to do things you didn't do as a parent--but it's a completely different role than parenting. You need to figure out what being a grandparent entails, not try to approach it thinking it’s a second chance.

Grandparenting is something you are doing for the first time. If you go into grandparenting with the idea that you are going to be able to make up for the mistakes you feel you made as a parent, you are missing out on the richness of being a grandparent. Be intentional and learn about your new role instead of trying to compare it to parenting.

What Happens at Grandma’s Stays at Grandma’s

Why it’s a problem:

Have you seen this one? It's another one that's on t-shirts and mugs and cute little signs to hang in the kitchen.

It’s a great motto for the bachelor weekend in Vegas, where everyone involved is a consenting adult (if not always sober enough to make a judgement about what they are consenting to!).

But it's another bit of bad messaging for grandparents.

At grandma’s house, there are adults and there are children. Children should never be asked to keep secrets from their parents, and wise grandparents would never ask their grandchildren to do so. If a grandparent is tempted to feed the grandkids a forbidden food, or let them watch a show parents might object to, they’ll often say, “Don’t tell Mommy.” Sometimes it’s said in a joking manner, but children don’t have the intellectual capability to know that it’s a joke.

Besides undermining parents, asking children to keep secrets from their parents also sets them up for something far worse. When a child is sexually abused or exploited, their abuser will tell them not to tell anyone. If grandparents have previously asked them to keep secrets, they’ll believe that keeping secrets is a normal thing for adults to ask of children. Since 91% of sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone the child knows, it’s important for kids to understand that the adults who love them would never ask them to keep a secret, even something as innocent as cookies before dinner.

If you are ever tempted to do something you don’t want to the parents to find out about, take that as a signal that you should listen to the angel on your shoulder and not give into temptation.

Spoil ’em and send ’em home

Why it’s a problem:

This might be the most pervasive of all the grandparenting messages: grandkids are meant to be spoiled.

It’s also the one that leads to the most trouble.

Grandparents use the word “spoil” so freely about their grandkids that it’s become accepted that part of our role is to ply them with treats, screen time and gifts. While we all want our grandkids to know how much we love them, there are ways to show that love without overindulging them or being more lenient than their parents. Of all the things grandparents can do for parents, making their job harder shouldn’t be one of them.

What your grandchildren want most from you is your time and attention, and you can make them feel cherished without spoiling them at all.

Lavish them with your love.
Shower them with your stories.
Indulge them with your undivided attention.

What does that look like? Instead of buying them more toys, play with them. Instead of sneaking them extra cookies, let them help you make dinner. Talk to them, send them mail, ask them about their likes and dislikes, go for walks together. Be there for them.

That's what they really need, and that's what creates bonds that last. You’ll find it far more rewarding than spoiling them.

These quotes about grandparenting may seem harmless, but when any message is seen often enough, it has influence. Just as you wouldn’t take medical advice from memes and t-shirts, don’t let these grandparent messages influence how you approach this important role.