Amy will never forget when her mother arrived to meet her baby, the first grandchild in the family.

“Mom came into the hospital room and took Geneva right out of my arms. She spent the entire hour she was there cooing at the baby and talking about how perfect “her granddaughter” was. She didn’t ask once how I was, even though she knew I’d had a difficult birth. In fact, she almost acted like I wasn’t there.”

Feeling your grandbaby nestled contentedly in your arms can unleash a wave of love like nothing you’ve ever experienced. This emotional high leads many new grandparents to focus every ounce of their attention on that tiny new life. But here’s some valuable advice for new grandparents: make sure you don’t forget about your own child.

In the excitement of becoming a new grandparent, it’s easy to overlook the importance of your continued relationship with your own adult children. While being enchanted with your grandchild is perfectly natural, you have to be careful not to stop nurturing the bond with their parents.

This may require a concerted effort, but nothing is more vital if you want to enjoy being involved with your grandchild for years to come.

Here’s why actively prioritizing your child over your grandchild builds better bonds all around.

You Don’t Want to Alienate Your Kids

New parents are already struggling with sleep deprivation and an overturned world. Feeling like an afterthought to their own parents at a time that they are emotional vulnerable can be deeply hurtful.  Grandparents’ actions—or lack of actions—can make adult children feel dismissed, annoyed, or resentful.

Be mindful that you aren’t guilty of these common missteps:

• Making a beeline for the baby and barely greeting your son or daughter when you arrive

• Only asking about milestones, pediatrician appointments, nursing, etc. – not your actual child’s life

• Focusing gifts and support entirely on what the baby needs

• Forgetting important events like your daughter-in-law’s birthday

• Referring to the baby as “my grandchild” instead of “your baby”

Parents tell us that when these things happen, they feel as if they are just the vessel through which this prized grandchild arrived. At a time when they could really use the support of their own parents, they feel as if they’ve been abandoned.

Over time, the hurt and resentment from always playing second fiddle can build up. This is the sort of small issue that can grow to the point that parents limit the grandparents’ access to the baby.

You Can’t Bypass Parents to Access Grandkids

Some grandparents operate under the idea that if they just cultivate an exceptionally close bond with their grandchild, it doesn’t matter what the parents think. After all, they assume parents wouldn’t dare restrict a loving, adoring granny.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work this way. Parents – as they should be – remain gatekeepers over their babies’ time, relationships, and influences. Grandparents who overstep bounds or steamroll mom or dad’s rules face closed doors. No matter how strong the grandparent-grandchild relationship may be, parents still control access.

When Priorities Align, Everyone Wins 

Of course, close grandparent-baby bonds are tremendously important. When grounded in respect for parents, these connections can be incredible gifts benefiting the whole family.

The key is balancing this by still demonstrating as loving an interest in your adult children as before. Building up trust with the parents protects your relationship so that grand adventures, babysitting offers, and being the cool granny confidante remain open possibilities.

Don’t forget to extend this love and interest to your son- or daughter-in-law. They are an equally important part of your life.

Concretely, this can look like:

• Greeting parents first when arriving, and asking how they are doing

• Bringing small gifts on occasion just for parents, not only baby

• Volunteering help so parents can have date nights – and actually giving them space without calling/texting!

• Validating frustrations when they share challenges about teething, weaning, etc. 

• Simply saying “I’m proud of you both as parents”

Learn more about showing up for your grandchild’s parents in “4 Ways to Show New Parents You Care”.

Showing your kids through words and actions that they are still your priority keeps your relationship rock-solid. This foundation will directly affect the positive connection that you hope to have with your grandchild.

Of course, playing with the baby or planning future adventures with your little one is wonderful too! The key is balance – make sure your conversations, check-ins, and support remain equally split.

When grandparents consciously remember that neglecting parent relationships damages our access and influence with grandbabies, it’s common sense to actively nourish our bonds with our kids. Remember that that new mom or dad was once your baby, and make sure they know they are still important to you.

Have you taken our Grandparent Superpower quiz yet? Knowing your superpower can help you find ways to connect better with adult children, too.