Written by Katie Pierce

“My parents don’t visit their grandchildren. They don’t make any effort to be included in my children’s lives.”

“I hardly ever get to see my grandchildren. I’m lucky if I’m invited to their birthday party.”

Complaints like these show up on our social media accounts regularly. So, who is responsible for issuing invitations to see the grandchildren: parents or grandparents? Naturally, there is no simple answer.

Grandparent-parent relationships are filled with complexities. These bonds are filled with love, nostalgia, and, sometimes, unspoken expectations. In this complicated family dynamic, the question of who should extend invitations to see the grandchildren can become a point of contention.

Invitations are crucial in managing the grandparent-grandchildren relationship. More than scheduling visits, these invites symbolize acknowledgment, respect, and inclusion—conveying a sense of belonging and importance.

For some families, navigating this part of the relationship requires finesse and understanding from both parties. For grandparents, a profound desire to be involved in their grandchildren's lives may cause them to ignore signs that they are overstepping boundaries, while others may be hesitant to intrude and damage family bonds. On the other side, parents may grapple with finding the right balance between maintaining their family routines and accommodating the older generation.

Grandparents want to visit too much—or not enough

There’s no set rule on how often grandparents should visit. It’s entirely dependent on family dynamics. But the issue of invitations to visit (or lack thereof) can often sow seeds of resentment within families, affecting both grandparents and parents.

Grandparents may feel a pang of disappointment or exclusion when they aren't invited to spend time with their grandchildren. This feeling can stem from a desire to be actively involved in their grandchildren's lives and share in their joys and milestones.

Similarly, parents may experience resentment when they feel that grandparents are not seeking opportunities to connect with their grandchildren. This resentment may arise from a sense of burden or expectation placed on them to initiate every interaction, leaving them feeling unappreciated or unsupported in their parenting journey.

The resentment dilemma surrounding invitations to visit grandchildren can be further complicated when either party takes matters into their own hands and shows up uninvited. While the intentions are rooted in love and wanting to spend time together, the act of showing up unannounced can lead to feelings of intrusion. These actions can strain already fragile relationships, causing rifts between generations, eroding trust, and breaking communication.

The only way to overcome this issue is to acknowledge and address these feelings of resentment openly and honestly. Both parents and grandparents can work towards fostering a healthier and more harmonious dynamic—one where communication, understanding, and mutual respect serve as the cornerstone of their relationships.

Communication is the key

At its core, open and honest communication is the answer to misunderstandings and tensions that may arise. Fostering an environment where both parties feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings enables both grandparents and parents to lay the groundwork for constructive dialogue and mutual understanding. Engaging in a difficult conversation may seem daunting, but it is often the first step towards finding common ground and fostering stronger family bonds.

To initiate these conversations, it's essential to approach them with sensitivity and empathy. Acknowledge the importance of the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren while also respecting the autonomy of the parents. Grandparents can start by expressing their desire to be involved in their grandchildren's lives while reassuring parents that their intentions are rooted in love and support.

Equally important is the need for grandparents and parents to establish clear boundaries and expectations regarding visitations.  By proactively discussing topics such as frequency of visits, duration, and preferred modes of communication, both parties can avoid misunderstandings and minimize the likelihood of conflicts arising.

Grandparents and parents can demonstrate their commitment to respectful communication by actively listening to the concerns and preferences of each other, showing a willingness to adapt and compromise where necessary.

Partnering with parents

Actively planning visits allows grandparents and parents to work together to ensure that the needs and preferences of everyone involved are considered. This fosters unity and mutual respect in the family. Talking about visits is just one aspect of a solid grandparent-parent partnership. Our guide, Partnering with Parents, explores more of the ways grandparents can support parents. You can find out more about it here.

Grandparents can embrace their role of supportive allies by honoring parents' decisions regarding discipline, routines, and household rules. This respectful approach creates harmony within the family and sets a positive example for grandchildren, teaching them the value of cooperation and respect.

Visits between grandparents and grandchildren benefit the family

In healthy families, visits between grandparents and grandchildren benefit everyone. Prioritizing open dialogue and respecting each other's perspectives allow grandparents and parents to create stronger bonds and meaningful experiences for their grandchildren.

It's important to approach these interactions with sensitivity, empathy, and a steadfast commitment to partnership. By embracing these principles, adults cultivate a nurturing environment where love, respect, and connection thrive—enriching the lives of grandparents, parents, and grandchildren.

Katie Pierce is a teacher-slash-writer who loves telling stories to an audience, whether it’s bored adults in front of a computer screen or a bunch of hyperactive 4-year-olds. Writing keeps her sane (most of the time) and allows her to enjoy some quiet time in the evening before she walks into a room of screaming kids (all of whom she loves dearly) the next morning.