“I can’t wait to spoil that baby!”

How many times have you heard brand new grandparents use that phrase? There’s a good chance you’ve even said it! After all, one of the benefits of having grandchildren is that you aren’t in charge of all the hard parts of raising them. There is a gleeful freedom in knowing that you can concentrate on having fun with them without having to deal with the consequences. It’s become commonplace to talk about spoiling grandchildren as a key part of the grandparenting experience.

But are we really saying what we mean when we say we want to spoil them? Other than grandchildren, can you think of anything else we would declare we want to spoil?

No one wants to be around someone who spoils the ending, the mood or the surprise. We don’t set out to spoil our children, or our vacation, or our new carpet. We don’t like it when someone spoils a joke, or our view, or an important occasion. Spoiling something is not an admirable goal!

The dictionary definition of the word is very clearly negative. It can mean either 1) “to diminish or destroy the value or quality of” or 2) “to harm the character of (someone, especially a child) by being too lenient or indulgent”.

​Obviously, we don’t really mean we want to diminish or harm our grandchildren. When grandparents say they want to spoil their grandkids, we mean we want treat them like the special little people they are. We indulge them as a way of showing them how much we love them. What could possibly be wrong with that? Unfortunately, several things.

First, there is a fine line between a little extra indulgence and making overindulgence a cornerstone of your relationship. Say you bring a little something with every visit. Not a big gift, just some cookies, or a new book, or maybe something you picked up at the Dollar Store. It won’t be long before they are eager to see what you’ve brought when you arrive, instead of eager to see you.

Or maybe you skip the little things in favor of lavish birthday gifts. When your gifts are always the biggest and the best, your grandchildren may begin to see that as your defining characteristic. Wouldn’t you rather they think of you as the one who tells the best stories or can always cheer them up when they are feeling sad?

Spoiling our grandchildren also makes parents’ job harder. All those little gifts pile up. Ignoring parents’ rules means parents have to work twice as hard to enforce them. While we all want our grandkids to know how much we love them, there are ways to show them that without overindulging them or being more lenient than their parents.

Grandparents who spoil their grandchildren also put stress on the relationship with parents. Instead of working to support parents, overindulgent grandparents are unwittingly working against parents.

What your grandchildren want most from you is your time and attention, and you can make them feel cherished without spoiling them at all. Instead of buying them more toys, play with them. Instead of sneaking them extra cookies, let them help you make dinner. Talk to them, send them mail, ask them about their likes and dislikes, give them your undivided attention, be there for them. You’ll find it far more rewarding than spoiling them.

During a conversation about “Grandparent Love” on The Grand Life podcast , I talked with Emily Morgan and Kerry Byrne about the idea of spoiling our grandchildren. We all agreed the phrase needs to go!

Will you help us change the script and start talking about cherishing our grandchildren? After all, that’s what we really mean.

“I can’t wait to love on that baby!” Let’s make that the new norm!