Welcome to Grand Advice, where we answer questions from real grandparents. Today’s answer comes from Cynthia Kane, Founder, of It's Their Turn: Wisdom for Grandparents.

“Step-grandparents: are they really grandparents? My kids already have enough grandparents”. ~Jessica

Are step-grandparents really grandparents? The answer is simple: They are if you say they are.  

Your real question, Jessica, might be: Who has earned the honor of being a grandparent to my children? 

No two families are exactly alike. How your step-parent fits into your children’s lives is dependent upon how they have fit into yours.  

Let’s look at a few different scenarios: 

1. Cara’s parents parted ways when she was three years old. She lived with her mother, who remarried Dan when Cara was about five years old. Cara’s mother and step-father have a great relationship and Cara adores and admires Dan. He has supported Cara at every point in her life, especially through some tough times as a teen. Cara feels so close to her step-father that she chose to have both her biological father and Dan walk her down the aisle at her wedding. Now Cara and her husband have two small children, and Dan cares for them one afternoon every week. Dan may be a step-grandparent, but he’s a real grandparent in Cara’s eyes.

2. Ellie and Mike have been together for six years. They have a nine-month old and a four-year old. Ellie’s parents divorced while she was in college, and both of her parents were single for a long time afterward. Just recently, Ellie’s dad, Joe, remarried a young woman, Kristin, who is only a year older than Ellie. Ellie is still adjusting to the idea that Kristin is now her step-mother. Kristin is now asking to be treated like a grandmother and wants to be called Grandma Kristi. It all feels a little bit weird. 

3. Nick’s mother and father were never married, but they were always great co-parents. His father eventually married a woman, Bonnie, who never really clicked with Nick. They did not agree on much, and were on opposite ends of the political spectrum. More importantly to Nick, his step-mother held homophobic beliefs, was a bigot, and supported the NRA, all of which Nick found repugnant. When Nick and his partner decided to adopt a child, the couple felt strongly that Bonnie was not going to have a role as a step-grandparent to their child.  

4. Kate and Kevin have been married for ten years and have two children. Kevin’s mother, Beth, who lives across the country, has been married to Andy for 20 years. Andy is a nice person who is polite to Kate and the children, but he interacts very minimally with them other than on birthdays and holidays. Andy seems to be much more interested in his own grown children and his biological grandchildren. His role in the family is more like an old family friend and doesn’t remotely resemble the kind of relationship that the children have with their biological grandparents.  

These few simple examples touch upon the spectrum of family relationships that evolve in families where parents are re-partnered with other individuals who don’t share a biological connection to the children. Some of those relationships are deeply loving and satisfying such as Cara’s relationship with her step-father, Dan. Others, like Nick and Bonnie’s, are not viable because the family members’ basic world views are so opposed to each other that there is consistent conflict and contempt for each other.  So, while it may be easy to see why Dan will and Bonnie won’t be incorporated into these young families as step- grandparents, in other cases, it’s more complicated. 

For example, Ellie’s step-mother, Kristin, is young and has no children of her own. She wants to play a role in the lives of her husband’s grandchildren, yet there has not been enough time for Ellie and Mike to develop a trusting, mutually satisfying relationship with her. At this point, the couple have not yet decided if they are okay with the children calling her Grandma Kristi. This is a situation that might just take a little time. Ellie might want to spend more time on her own with Kristin and she may then begin see some of the wonderful qualities that led her father to fall in love with her. Kristin’s young age might be uncomfortable at first, but over time, Ellie might view Grandma Kristi as a peer or an ally who adds a warm and youthful dimension to her children’s lives.  

How about the nice, but emotionally distant Andy? Does he get the distinction of being a step-grandparent to Kate and Kevin’s children? It depends. In practical terms, it’s probably something he isn’t seeking, which might make the issue moot. On the other hand, even though he has been in the family a long time, perhaps Andy doesn’t want to push in to grandparent territory without being explicitly invited. The young parents may want to reach out to him personally and think of ways that he and the grandchildren can connect over shared interests. As the children grow and Andy spends time with them doing things that they all enjoy, this relationship may be quite wonderful.

Parents are the gatekeepers for their small children. Parents are the ones who get to decide which friends and family members are allowed to have close contact with their children. Not even biological relatives are automatically granted that privilege, because parents may not approve of the influence they could have on their children, or because the parents themselves have a troubled relationship with that family member.

Step-parents come in all forms, and they enter into their own loving partnerships at every conceivable stage of family life. When there are grandchildren in the family, it can be tricky to identify what role they will play in the children’s lives.

What is true, Jessica, is that there is good in every person. Finding those positive qualities in your step-parent—really seeking out the best in them---is good for your children. You have enough grandparents? Sure, but the more responsible, interested, and loving adults who are involved in your children’s lives and that have their best interests at heart, the better. Anyone can be considered a grandparent to your children if you think they are worthy of the honor.

Do you have a question about grandparenting? Submit it here.

Cynthia Kane is a board-certified, licensed genetic counselor with 25 years of clinical experience. A grandmother, Cynthia has a certificate in Grandfamily Leadership and is the founder of It’s Their Turn, which provides counseling, support, and education for grandparents. Grandparent Meet-Ups are forming now. Cynthia can be reached at cynthia@itstheirturn.com