How to Avoid Grandparent Burnout
Recently, I cared for my three grandchildren while my daughter-in-law was critically ill. Like many grandparents, I was confident in my understanding of what taking care of small children entailed. After all, I’d had four of my own! I knew my grandkids’ personalities, schedules, and food preferences. I knew how their parents wanted to handle discipline, was familiar with the route to preschool, and understood how to avoid triggering meltdowns.
After the first week, I was exhausted. No, I didn’t remember what caring for three children under eight entailed. The meals alone did me in. Luckily, reinforcements in the form of the other grandparents arrived. In the next few weeks we took turns to keep each other from collapsing in exhaustion, until my daughter-in-law was finally well enough to take over.
Grandparent babysitting burnout is real—and its a problem
Grandparents are exhausted looking after their grandchildren and searching for help.
Grandparent babysitting burnout: it’s a real thing, as this image from our web stats shows. Too many grandparents are finding that helping out with child care is more than they can handle—no matter how much they want to do it.
Grandparents are often the go-to option for childcare when parents need someone reliable and trustworthy to look after their new baby. And they are usually eager to help out! Too often, however, grandparents agree to provide regular unpaid childcare for their grandchildren without fully considering what they are getting into. Meet my friends Gloria and Debby.
Gloria didn’t become a grandmother until she was over 70—she had begun to think it would never happen! When her granddaughter, Riley, was born, Gloria had just retired and had the time to be an active part of Riley’s life. When her daughter-in-law went back to work, Gloria was thrilled to be able to be part of the child care team, taking care of Riley every Wednesday. It was often the highlight of her week, and she reveled in the bond that they were creating as they spent days playing and taking walks to see the ducks together.
When Riley was two and a half, Gloria went on a three-week vacation. Her son and his wife knew about it well in advance, and were able to find someone else to care for Riley for the three Wednesdays Gloria was gone.
But when Gloria got back, she got sick. For the next two weeks, she wasn’t up to taking care of an active preschooler, and it left Riley’s parents in a difficult spot. Luckily for them, they were able to enroll Riley for an extra day in the day care she’d been attending on Mondays and Thursdays, and decided that would be more reliable in the future. Gloria was told she was no longer needed—and she was understandably crushed.
On the other side of the country, Debby was a young 52 when her first grandchild came along. Since she wasn’t currently in the workforce, she eagerly volunteered to be a full-time caregiver for her grandson, Zeke. Her daughter had just finished medical school and was starting her residency, and her son-in-law was a pilot who was gone from home for days at a time. Debby cared for Zeke up to 60 hours a week, and it wasn’t long before she was doing internet searches for “exhausted looking after grandkids”. What’s more, her daughter felt jealous of the bond that Debby and Zeke had, and family tensions were high.
What to think about before you sign up to be a caregiver for your grandchildren
While these stories are very different, there is one thing that they have in common: neither family had any sort of agreement about what the babysitting role would look like, or what would happen if difficulties arose on either side. There is a lot to consider before agreeing to take care of your grandchildren beyond whether you have the time.
What other commitments do you have? Grandparents usually have other obligations, such as work, volunteering, or social engagements. Are you prepared to give those up in order to provide childcare? It's important for grandparents to communicate their commitments and for parents to understand and respect them. That weekly tennis date with friends is not just fun, it’s a boost for your physical and mental health
Can you afford to babysit for free? Many grandparents are on a fixed income and may not have the resources to provide free childcare on an ongoing basis. Parents who expect this from them could unwittingly create a financial burden, leading to tension and strain in the relationship. It's essential for you to be honest about your financial situation and to set realistic expectations with your adult children.
Are you ready to give up your independence? Grandparents caring for their grandchildren may feel that their time and energy is no longer their own, resulting in a sense of obligation and loss of autonomy that can cause feelings of resentment and frustration. Setting healthy boundaries with parents can help avoid these feelings.
Are you clear about expectations? Grandparents may have different expectations about what they're willing or able to do, and if parents expect more, it can create tension. Generational differences in parenting styles and beliefs can also lead to conflict. It's critical for grandparents and parents to communicate openly and honestly about expectations in order to reach a mutual understanding about all aspects of caring for your grandchildren.
Are you helping out, or enabling your adult children’s dependency on you? Regular childcare can create a dependency on grandparents for both parents and children. This can lead to a lack of independence and may hinder the development of problem-solving skills and self-reliance in children. Grandparents need to strike a balance between providing childcare and encouraging independence.
Are you really up to caring for a baby or small child for long periods of time? Providing regular childcare can be a demanding and tiring job, particularly if grandparents are providing care for extended periods of time. Not all grandparents have the physical, mental or emotional capacity to provide regular childcare, particularly if they have health issues. Even a young, fit grandparent can suffer from grandparent burnout, which can put a strain on the grandparent-grandchild relationship. If you will be caring for your grandchild, you must set boundaries and prioritize self-care.
Are you up-to-date on current baby care and safety standards? Grandparents may not have the necessary training or experience to provide the level of care that modern-day child care professionals do. Have you taken a CPR and safety class? Do you know the latest guidelines on infant sleep and feeding? These are vital if you will be caring for your grandchild regularly.
The benefits of grandparents providing child care
Despite all these potential challenges, providing regular childcare can have huge benefits for the whole family. The bond you create with your grandchild may be all the benefit you need! Regular, dedicated time with grandparents can help build a strong relationship between the grandparent and grandchild, benefiting both of you.
Caring for your grandchildren also allows you to pass on cultural and family values to your grandchildren, something most grandparents value highly. You and your grandchild will truly get to know and understand one another.
Additionally, providing regular care for your grandchildren can be a valuable source of support for working parents who may struggle to find affordable, reliable child care options. Having grandparents babysit can be more cost-effective than paying for a professional child care service. For many families, there is little choice about the matter.
How to avoid the perils of looking after your grandkids
Though the list of benefits looks shorter on paper than the list of potential problems, any single one of them is enough to make caring for your grandchildren worth it. So how do you avoid grandparent burnout? How do you make sure you don’t create family drama or misunderstandings? How do you keep from getting exhausted looking after your grandkids?
You have a conversation about expectations, both yours and those of your grandchild’s parents. You set mutually agreeable boundaries and guidelines about when, where and how you will be involved. You consider things like time off for illness and who fixes dinner. Then, if you are smart, you put it all down in writing so you have something to refer back to if issues arise.
The decision to provide regular childcare for grandchildren is one that each family will need to make based on their personal circumstances and priorities. It can be a wonderful experience for everyone involved: parents, grandparents and grandchildren. However, to avoid potential problems, it's crucial for grandparents to consider the potential challenges, to prioritize self-care, and to communicate openly and honestly with their adult children about expectations and boundaries. When you have a written agreement, you can make sure everyone is on the same page. Literally.
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