5 Ways to Be More Present with Your Grandkids
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Finally! Covid restrictions had eased, we’d all been vaccinated, and we were going to spend a glorious six days with our grandchildren and their parents! It had been seven months since we’d seen them, and the baby had gone from a barely scooting bug to a fully walking toddler. We’d missed so much! I was determined to make the most of every day. I’d read Grandparenting: Renew, Relive, Rejoice and was committed to being fully present during the short time we’d have together.
Within a day, I realized I’d forgotten something crucial: being with small children is an endurance sport, and I’m not an endurance athlete. Trying to be fully present created an intense overload on my system, especially after the cocoon I’d been living in during Covid. So how could I use the lessons of mindfulness to deepen our relationship without ending up longing for the end of the visit? What was I doing wrong, that one day with my grandchildren left me exhausted?
That night, I reread my grandparent vision statement and Grand Plan*. No where did my grandparenting plan include being fully present at all times. What it did include was letting my grandchildren know they were important to me, and helping out my children as much as possible. I needed to take the principles of mindfulness and apply them to help me be the grandmother I wanted to be. There were five ways to be more mindful that I found fit well with my goals.
Tune in by turning off. Leaving my laptop in my room and my phone in my bag meant I wasn’t interrupted by work or friends while I was engaged with the people I’d come to see. Did it mean I sometimes missed an adorable photo I would have loved to have? Yes. But it also meant I was fully present for the cuteness. There was plenty of time for checking email or returning calls when the kids were busy with lunch, naps, or playing with each other.
Get on their level. Like many babies born during Covid, my youngest granddaughter was leery of strangers. I kept a respectful distance, but stayed where she could see me. When I was down on the floor, she could approach me when she was comfortable. It took four days before she was ready, but I got lots of cuddles on days five and six! Getting down on their level also signaled to her brother and sister that I was interested in them and ready to interact in their world.
Observe, don’t lead. I’m not a grandma who delights in hours of playing with children (I wasn’t that mother, either). But I am happy to join in if enlisted, and love every aspect of watching them play. Putting my full attention on them as they played made it possible to see every aspect of their personalities and abilities. If I had tried to direct their games, I wouldn’t have gotten as much insight into who they are.
Make one-on-one time. My daughter-in-law has had incredibly success with the strategies Dr. Laura Markham shares in her books Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids and Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings. One of the suggestions is that each child get dedicated time with each parent every day, even if it’s only a few minutes. While we were visiting, this expanded to include me and Pops. Every day, I had “Special DeeDee Time” with each of the two older children. They got to choose the activity: reading, coloring, going for a walk, playing with cars or dress-ups. It was only about 20 minutes, but it ensured we had a chance to concentrate on each other.
KISS. This has been one of my guiding principles all my life, but it’s sometime easy to forget in the excitement of a short visit with beloved grandchildren. “Keep It Simple, Stupid” means that we can have just as much fun playing in the backyard as we can going on an exciting outing. It means lying on their bed talking about our favorite super powers is more valuable than buying them another action figure.
After that exhausting first day, I adjusted my expectations and my actions. I spent some of the time focused on the grandchildren, and some of the time folding laundry or straightening the playroom. I skipped bath time to clean up the kitchen after dinner, and took a morning to meet with a friend. I soaked up as much as I could when I was with them, but even sponges have limits! Recognizing mine, and making sure that my actions reflected my values, made the visit more rewarding for all of us.
*Do your actions as a grandparent fit with your grandparenting goals? New Grandparents Essentials can help you be the grandparent you want to be, even if you aren't a new grandparent. Start today to create your own Grandparent Vision Statement and Grand Plan!